


Lost In The Middle Of Nowhere

by CravingCraze



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Ghost Connor Murphy, M/M, Post canon, Suicide, Suicide Attempt(s), Time Travel, canonaly dead character (for 1 chapter), redo AU, will add tags as I go along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 09:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21492295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CravingCraze/pseuds/CravingCraze
Summary: “I'm the guy you said you were friends with. The guy you used to get popular. But that might be a handful to remember. You can call me... CMS," the soul decided, crossing his arms."CMS?" Evan glanced at him."Connor Murphy's Soul," CMS said slowly, like it was a difficult concept to wrap his head around. "But we're getting ahead of ourselves. You need to fix this."(A redo au, inspired by charactershoesfics “Come And Go”).
Relationships: Alana Beck & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & CMS, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy (past)
Comments: 68
Kudos: 193





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It’s finally ready!!! I’m really excited to start this book out! I’ve been working on this for a long time, wanting to make sure everything was right, and now it is!
> 
> A couple of trigger warnings for suicide, mentions of suicide and cutting. It’s gonna be an angsty one, fellas

Whoever said honesty was the best policy was dead wrong.

Especially in Evan's case.

Honesty never really benefited Evan in any shape, way, or form. Really, all the truth did was hurt people, and lying seemed to be the best course of action in his mind. It kept people safe, it hid things he never wanted people to see, it made him less of a burden, but most of all, it kept people from getting hurt. Hell, even Heidi lies about the costs for therapy and his medications.

It was just _easier. Safer. _Safer than telling the truth.

Mark lied about cheating on Heidi, because he didn't want to admit what he and Heidi had died out and he wasn't feeling anything of it anymore. He saw his dad come home one night late, mainly because he couldn't sleep and was thirsty. While his own mother was asleep in bed, Mark had just lied and said _"I was out seeing a friend. Don't worry, you don't have to tell mommy anything."_.

Of course Heidi found out about it and was so _angry, so hurt. _She was done trying for a man who couldn't be honest with her, and demanded a divorce. After Mark had left, Heidi assured Evan that she did what was best, and that she'd always be there for him.

Yeah, that was a fucking lie too. Heidi had to go into nursing with _crazy _hours with the degree Mark persuaded to get her while they were in college together, and when he was ten, she started working for her dream job, which was to be a paralegal, or lawyer. With the combination of college and nursing piled onto his mother, it didn't leave a lot of time for him to tell her about increasingly difficulties in social situations.

Evan hid this as best as he could, but his lies only went so far, and when he was of twelve, his school counselor called him and his mom down for a meeting.

"Look, Evan's a good kid, you definitely know that. There isn't anything on his record that says otherwise," that was the first thing Heidi told the counselor, because of _course _she assumed he got into a fight.

The counselor let out a sigh, and adjusted her glasses. "Evan didn't get into a fight. In fact, he's been avoiding social situations in class, stuttering more and more often, and most importantly, needing to have headed down to the nurses office daily, because he'd been crying and breathing rapidly."

"What?" Heidi looked at Evan with shock and surprise. "Evan, why didn't you tell me?"

Evan ducked his head down and simply shrugged, not wanting to say why. He didn't want Heidi to know, but he couldn't really hide it anymore.

"I'd recommend that Evan sees a specialist, but from my own research, I'd look into social anxiety, as Evan's behaviors seem to match up with a lot of symptoms," the counselor pulled out a sticky note and wrote down an address. "This is a great place to find a therapist. I recommend it."

So naturally, Heidi began the journey to help _'fix' _Evan (that's how he saw it, at least). It was hard to open up, especially when therapists could usually see right through his blatant lies. It was unnerving, and sometimes only made his anxiety worse when he snuck a peak at the bill his mother paid.

Middle school was kind of a blur for him, because he was being put on and off medications. He tried to suppress memories of then, but he couldn't, because he had a yearbook from his eighth grade class, which was hidden somewhere in the piles of his rooms. It wasn't a pleasant year, as Jared decided he had to try and be _popular _just like every other teen in their class.

That isn't to say he doesn't regret lying. He just wanted his mother to stop worrying about him or money, or the fact he didn't eat a lot (eating was hard because he usually felt nauseous from his anxiety, and when he didn't, he just couldn't stomach the idea of having left overs. He was a slow eater and eventually they'd go bad. It'd just be a waste of money). Jared didn't have to deal with him for car insurance anymore because he'd told his mother they had a falling out and he wanted space, not specifying when it'd be resolved (prerably never).

With the Murphy's however, there wasn't an excuse. Evan wouldn't let himself have one.

It was selfish to say he and Connor were friends, that he kept things from his family, gave them a false sense of hope that at one point he was getting better, and that he used a _dead kid _to get a new family, one that treated him normally. Not like a parasite that needed to be cleansed, but a regular kid. He even got together with _Zoe Murphy._

Zoe, who was just as alone as he was, who was arguably the most hurt out of the Murphy's in Evan's eyes, and who needed the closure the most.

He remembers that Zoe told him she felt like he was idolizing her, and he _tried, _he tried so hard not to because he didn't want to make her feel crappy just because of his own, stupid feelings. It was nice while it lasted, but he decided he was done hurting her, and was going to avoid her as much as he could.

He mainly wishes Connor actually got help. He feels stupidly lucky that Heidi saw the note online (even if he never wanted her to see it in the first place), and realized he needed help before it got too bad. He wishes he had a chance to actually get to know Connor, to know who he actually is.

But second chances don't exactly exist, no mater how much he wants it not to be. He needs to stop living in the past and to to just _let Connor go_.

It was about two weeks after he'd told the Murphy's the truth about Connor, where Evan was laying on his bed, working on the Algebra II homework he'd gotten that day, while rain hammered against the windows. It was a moment of piece before the storm, when things were decent, not ideal, just decent.

Ghosts were complicated in Evan's mind. He supposed he believed in them, but thought they just wandered around with unfinished business. It didn't make him anxious, it seemed logical in his mind, and in general, it was just a cool thought. He'd never want to see one, however, since they were always persuaded as the 'bad guy' in horror movies. That stereotype never seemed fair to Evan.

Well, in this instance, it kinda was.

Because Connor Murphy's Soul has just knocked his Algebra II homework out of his hands and viscously said, "You fucked _everything _up."

"Wh-what- you-" Evan scrambled to back up, to get away, because _no one _had ever, completely proven, had seen a ghost before, and he didn't know what they could do.

"What's the matter?" Connor Murphy's Soul mused innocently, stepping closer to him. "Don't you wanna see an old '_friend'_?"

"You're- you're not r-real! You're just My I-imagination!" He covered his ears and shut his eyes tight. "I- I can get rid of you- whenever I _want_. You're not real!"

"Funny," Connor Murphy's Soul grabbed his wrist, which sent goosebumps crawling all the way down his forearm as he was yanked forward by a force that should've just passed through him, "But I'm not your _imaginary friend _everyone thinks I am."

"This is insane. You— what even are you?!" This was all too much for Evan, who was just trying to recover, to let go of his lies and everything, but no, apparently some ghost had to come in and torment him.

"I'm the guy you said you were friends with. The guy you _used _to get popular. But that might be a handful to remember. You can call me... CMS," the soul decided, crossing his arms.

"CMS?" Evan glanced at him.

"_Connor Murphy's Soul,_" CMS said slowly, like it was a difficult concept to wrap his head around. "But we're getting ahead of ourselves. You need to _fix _this."

"I'm sorry but-" he tried to ignore the fierce gaze of CMS, as it felt like he was trying to burn a hole through his head. "Fix what?"

"You're fucking kidding me," CMS laughed harshly, his features scrunching up in anger rather than delight or being humored. "The _lies. _All that shit you made up- yeah, people still think it's true."

"I told your family the truth," Evan rasped, fingers clutching at his sides. He was freaking out, because he couldn't go through that again. "They _know _I lied. Everyone knows!"

"If everyone knew, wouldn't people be bombarding you with notifications, _threatening you_, asking if '_Oh Evan, is it true? Did you really lie and fuck up the memory of Connor Murphy?'_," CMS heightened the tone of his voice, clearly mimicking a stereotypical teenage girl.

That sort of made sense to Evan, because as much as he hated to admit it, CMS had a point. It would've been a big deal, even if for a few days at best. "I... all Alana said was that I-I'm not apart of the project anymore. _That _blew up. They kept- sending questions, pleading for answers- but it e-eventually died down."

He remembered that day vividly. It'd happened the day after he confessed to the Murphy's, despite Alana cutting him out of the project, he still told her what he did. It _really _pissed her off, but she didn't yell. She just calmly told him to _never _talk to her again, which well, was reasonable. It was quite literally the least he could do, after accusing her of using The Connor Project for something to put on her resume, and being oblivious to the fact that she was _just _as alone as he and Connor were.

But when she posted '_Evan Hansen has sadly resigned from The Connor Project. Although he may be missed, we're thankful we got the funds for the orchard to reopen!'_, that sent people right to Evan's dm's, asking what happened with the project, why he was suddenly leaving, how awful of a friend he was to Connor for abandoning his part of the project, and he even received _death threats, _saying that he didn't deserve to be apart of the community because he didn't do a lot for The Connor Project anyway, but Evan immediately erased those and tried not to dwell on the sudden attention he'd received.

"Nothing about being a dirty fucking liar?" CMS rubbed his chin, pretending to think. "You sure got off _lucky_."

"I... guess they didn't s-say anything..." Evan could only shrug. Really, he was expecting them to reveal the bombshell he'd hid. He deserved it. He let Alana post his letter and let people harp on the Murphy's, even go as far as to _threatening _them. People knew where Zoe's room was, how to sneak in, and kept sharing irrelevant information about them.

CMS shook his head, "You aren't _getting _it, are you?" He curled his fingers into fists, clutching tightly. He looked beyond pissed off, and Evan didn't know why.

"I'm sorry, I—" he swallowed a nonexistent lump in his throat, which really was it just closing up. "I don't a-anything about you or- this."

"You know that shit people say? About how you should _remember _people?" CMS paced around the room, stopping at his laptop.

Somehow, as if on it's own, the top snapped open, and the website to '_The Connor Project' _automatically loaded onto his browser. All he could guess was that CMS has something to do with it, despite the spirit not evening moving his hands throughout all of that.

Everything was just so fucked, and Evan didn't know what to believe anymore.

"You said this was to keep memories of _me _alive," CMS pointed at the screen to emphasize this. "But you posted videos and that _fucking letter _right for the whole world to see!"

"It was— people needed _s-something _to believe in!" Evan argued.

He shook his head, willing the laptop to the email section. Right to the fake emails he and Jared made.

It was ironic to say the least. While they were making the fake emails, Jared actually seemed to _like _his presence, for once maybe. He kept making jokes, quips at him, and trying to persuade Evan that the way he had everything set up was like a gay love story, but he didn't listen because it was _Jared_, who made everything sexual and... weird. Extremely weird. Even to an uncomfortable extent. But despite that, he tried to force his way into _their story, _and Evan was having none of that. He remembers how unpleasant it soon became, mainly because Evan was so stressed about keeping all the details straight and Jared was messing around.

To be blunt, Jared made the right call, deciding not to help him make anymore emails. Evan was a dick, and he deserved it.

"My family saw these," the spirit growled, snapping Evan out of his thoughts. "This is all _bullshit. 'Dear Connor Murphy, all it takes is reinvention. You can change if you want to, as long as you give it your attention. Just believe you can be who you want.' _What the fuck were you on when you wrote these?"

Evan wanted to argue that he didn't know that _that _was the attitude many therapists had, but he kept his mouth shut as he blushed in embarrassment. He really didn't know what Connor suffered from, and just assumed it was depression, which well, in hindsight, wasn't one of his best choices, especially when his family saw things weren't matching up.

"They actually _thought _I was a good person," he laughed. "The second I died, they should've been celebrating!"

"You- you shouldn't say that," Evan feebly argued, because what did he know about him? Absolutely _nothing_. He couldn't justify him, defend him, he couldn't do _anything_.

The look on CMS' face morphed into absolute rage. "Shut it."

Evan tried to backtrack, "I'm—I'm sorry, I—"

"No, you _don't _get to say that!" Once again, his hand was balled up. "Not when you don't even know what you _did_!!!" The light in Evan's room was flickering rapidly, sort of like how Evan was breathing in that moment.

"I—"

"You wanna know what you _did_?! Because of you and your _fucking lies_, people have forgotten who I am, and _so have I_!!!" CMS practically screamed, and the power suddenly shut off, the light from the computer fading away.

Silence filled the house, aside from Evan's rapid breathing and gasping. The lights flickered back on, and CMS stared ahead blankly, processing the whole ordeal.

"I'm... sorry," CMS shook his head, cursing. "_This _is the problem. My mind is fucking everywhere. I don't know who I even am anymore."

"I'm sorry," he heaved, as that was really all he could say,

"If you're so '_sorry'_, then prove it," the latter narrowed his eyes at him.

Evan gasped at him, "But- that's impossible!"

CMS shook his head, grinning deviously. "I've seen different paths in this timeline, and I can visit them willfully. As for my influence... is none, since I'm dead."

Evan had managed to just start breathing right, but now they had to be talking about _time travel_? Something scientists only speculated to be true. "This is— no, that's impossible."

That only made the spirit snort. "You say to the ghost?"

Again, CMS had a point Evan couldn't really argue against. Ghosts were supposedly mythological and fake, yet there he was, one right in his face. But time travel didn't feel obtainable to Evan, and he didn't feel like he deserved it, given what he'd done.

While he had a moment to think, he let himself take a good look at the soul. CMS looked a lot similar to the Fake Connor he made up in his head, dressed in a black hoodie and ripped jeans, but the bags under his eyes were more apparent, as well as the jagged scars lining down from his wrist and up, leading elsewhere under the hoodie.

"I know you almost got run over by a car when you left my family's house," CMS stated, breaking the silence. "And I know you were going to kill yourself afterwards, but your mom was there to stop you."

Evan paled at all of this. Easily the spirit could've just been following him around, but he took direct thoughts out of his mind and conveyed them into words he never wished he'd heard.

Considering the look he was giving him, Evan assumed his expression was blank.

"Look, I'll give it to you straight. You fucked up, and you need to go back, meet alive me, and get to know me so I _finally _know who I am," CMS folded his arms over one another.

Evan hesitated, "How are you— able to even _do _that?"

He laughed, "I don't fucking _know_, I just can! You do realize you're only seeing me is because you talked to me, right?"

Evan looked away from him, "That didn't end well, though."

"Still, I acted different around you, rather than our classmates," the spirit said sternly. "I was _decent _at best."

The blonde haired teen grimaced in response, because once again, he didn't really have an argument to that.

"And if you don't accept, I can easily kill you," CMS added on.

Evan looked mortified just at what he said. "_What_?!"

The spirit laughed. "I'm getting back at you one way or another. I'm still absolutely, one hundred percent _pissed _at you and what you did. And don't try the whole '_you need me!!!'_ Speech. Zoe's my second choice to you."

That phrase made Evan's blood run cold. He knows that she and Connor had an _extremely _unstable relationship back when he was alive, and because of Evan and his fucking lies, she was most likely struggling with actual closure. Her entire family, most likely. Evan doesn't think he'll ever forget how broken and defeated she sounded when he admitted the supposed suicide letter Connor wrote was actually his. And he most definitely will _never _forgive himself after seeing her cry when all was said and done, feeling from the Murphy's kitchen and up into her room.

"Please no— d-don't drag her into this," Evan hates that he's begging, but he just _can't _put Zoe through that if he refused. A small part of him wants to actually get to know The Real Connor, and to possibly stop him from taking his life like last time. "I'll— I'll do it. Just—_please _don't hurt her."

"I would _never _hurt her, unlike you," CMS took a moment to glare daggers at the other. "I never did."

Which that was different from what Zoe told him, that Connor would scream at him and pound on her bedroom door, but he put it aside as his apparent memory loss. Evan just nodded, choosing to accept this rather than start a fight and piss off CMS.

The spirit held his hand out to him. "Just take my hand. That's all it'll take." 

Briefly, Evan wondered if his hand would just pass right through CMS’, but then remember what he did with the computer and the lights, and figured he had some control over that. He felt like time was slowing down as he reached out to his outstretched hand, nerves spiking as he clasped his slightly sweaty hands with CMS’ bone chilling one.

“Um, now what?” Evan asked, because they were just _standing there _(well, floating in CMS’ case).

CMS ignored what he said. He had a plan. “I know where to go.”

Then, in an instance, the world went white around them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan was blinded the second he could see again. He felt like he was about to fall over just from what happened.
> 
> Oh wait.
> 
> He was falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS FIC IS STILL ALIVE!!!
> 
> Holy shit I’m sorry for the late update! I had to make a oneshot for Thanksgiving and I’m gonna make one for the holiday season as well! Got some other stuff in my drafts as well!
> 
> I’m just gonna quit rambling and let you read the chapter. Cool? Cool.

Evan was blinded the second he could see again. He felt like he was about to fall over just from what happened.

Oh wait.

He was falling.

He hit his forehead against the frame of his bed, making him curse under his breath as he regained a sense of balance, and rubbed it.

Maybe it'd all been a dream. He probably just _fell _out of bed, yeah, that seemed logical. Because he was still guilty about lying to the Murphy's, imagining time travel was just a really bad coping mechanism.

"Maybe I shouldn't have let you go so soon."

Evan whipped around, face to face with Connor Murphy's Soul.

Oh right.

He brought him here.

"What day is it?" He asked weakly, looking around the room. It looked the same as they left it.

"The last day I'm alive," CMS replied grimly. "The first day of our senior year."

Evan shifted his gaze to his laptop, that sat neatly on his bed. He could see the cursor blinking in and out, the words _"Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be an amazing day and here's why" _reflecting from the screen. The date above it proves CMS' point. They _were_ back to the first day.

"Wait... if we're back here, then—then how are y-you here?" Evan raised an eyebrow, looking at him.

CMS crossed his arms, "With original timelines, you can't _actually _go back in time. This is just... a copy. Still transparent to the original."

"And... when it starts to change?" Evan isn't sure if he wants to know.

He took moment to think about that. "Not sure. I'll get back to you on that."

Slowly, taking his time, Evan sat on his bed. The covers were completely straightened, only a few crinkles waving throughout the blankets, and his sheets were tightly tucked under the mattress to ensure they don't move while he sleeps. He used to do that all the time, but the more he got stressed out with the lying, the less he took care of his bed and sheets (and _himself_, for that matter). Evan took his time folding his legs so he could steadily rest his laptop on, realizing how familiar everything feels, but at the same time _not _because he'd already gone through this day, he knew how it ended. With Connor Murphy taking his therapy letter after the small margin he left about Zoe.

Before he knew it, his door was opening, and Heidi stepped inside, holding a twenty dollar bill. "So, you decided not to eat last night?"

Evan knew how this conversation went. If he said 'I wasn't hungry', she'd be disappointed, but he had a different response in his head.

"I um, wasn't feeling that well, last night," sometimes his anxiety made food sound nauseating and he just couldn't eat when that happened. Heidi didn't know about that, though.

Heidi frowned, looking worried. She went and felt his forehead. "Sweetheart, are you okay now?"

"It was— it was j-just nerves. Didn't feel like eating," he defended weakly.

Heidi looked at him sympathetically, "I know the first day is rough, honey, but that's what you've been working on with Doctor Sherman, right?"

Evan nodded. It was all they ever really talked about, really. He was sick of hearing the same thing over and over again.

"Come on honey, seize the day! I don't want any lonely Friday nights with you complaining you have no one to hang out with," Heidi was half joking, half serious. "Which is why I booked you a therapy appointment for this afternoon."

He'd forgotten she did this. He knew therapy was expensive. "Didn't I have one for next week?"

"Yes, but it's probably good to talk about your first day right off the bat," she insisted, and looked at a sharpie on the table. "Hey, you should ask the other kids to sign your cast! Perfect ice breaker!" She held it out to him.

Evan suddenly became aware of the weight on his left arm and looked down, where the blank, white cast whirled around his forearm. It'd been taken off a while after Connor died, but it remained under his bed as he couldn't find the willpower to throw it out (not that he'd admit to it, at least).

All he could say was, "Perfect." And took the sharpie.

"Great," Heidi turned to exit the room, and looked back at him, "Are you okay on refills?"

"Y-Yeah," It was as good as any time to get off the bed. And he added, "And I— I s-started a therapy letter." It was the least he could say, so she wouldn't worry as much about him.

"Oh," Evan hated that she looked surprised, "That's great! See? It'll be a good year! I'll even pick you up after school for your appointment, okay?"

"Yup. Got it," Evan smiled weakly, not wanting to disappoint her. He didn't know what he was doing. Everything he did would be a roll of a dice and he hated that.

He quickly took his medication with a cup of water and double checked to make sure he had everything inside his bag. It wasn't like that _really _mattered, though, because Evan knew for a fact that they just introduced the course and let people do whatever afterwards.

The sound of a garage door shutting rang throughout the empty house, and CMS looked at him. "She cares about you. A lot."

"We had that talk before..." Evan shook his head, going to grab a granola bar.

CMS whistled, "Being self aware of others? That's a first for _you_."

Evan tried not to let that comment hurt, but it did. CMS didn't seem to care, though. He grabbed his backpack, and began the walk to school.

All he had to do was keep Connor Murphy alive. He had a feeling that'd be easier said than done. He knew _nothing _about him, except for the fact that he had an explosive temper, based off of his previous encounter with him, and from what Zoe had told him.

On the plus side, he knew what _not _to do. He knew not to laugh at Connor. Or write about Zoe. On the negative side, _so many things _could go wrong, just from the lack of knowledge he had about him. There was still _so much _he didn't know about Connor, and it's really just crashed down on him a couple of moments ago.

He had to know who Connor Murphy was. _Is_. He isn't dead, yet.

Evan just has to try and keep him like that. Maybe persuade his family to put him on medication, find a therapist, and _bam_, things should work out. Right?

No. Depression didn't work like that, and Evan knew this all too well. Despite his heart pounding out of his chest, the dampness growing onto his palms and fingers, and already tear-filled eyes, he was determined to _be there_, even if it was just to find Connor a support system.

He'd be there for Connor, like no one was for him.

"Evan! How was your summer?" When Alana had approached him the first time in _The Original Timeline_, Evan first thought it was out of pity, or just pure desperation to talk to someone. But now he knew she was _just _as alone as he was. Even if they only did a couple of projects together in the past, or if she tried to talked to everyone, it was a small sense of solidarity, that Evan wasn't the only outcast in the school.

"Um— okay. I b-broke my arm," he weakly gestured to his arm, raising it slightly.

"Oh my gosh, what happened?!" Alana gaped at it in concern.

"I er— fell. Out of a tree," Evan sort of didn't want to ask her about signing his cast. It'd be weird, having another name with Connor's (if he agreed to sign it, that was).

"That's awful! My grandmother broke her hip falling onto her bathtub!" Alana recalled, "They said it was the beginning of the end, because she died after."

Evan was still surprised with how Alana was coping. Maybe it was because she busied herself with volunteer work, or had an entire summer vacation to cope. He'd never asked her. Perhaps it was just a facade. He should ask her. "Oh I'm sorry— for your loss. Are you d-doing okay..?"

"I'm okay, thank you for asking!" Alana didn't look '_okay'_, though, but there wasn't any time to press her on the matter, because she was turning around, and wishing Evan a good first day as she walked off.

"I like Alana," CMS told Evan after she was done. "I know she treated me decently. Not like a _freak_."

Evan didn't respond, because if he did, he'd just seem insane to anyone passing in the hallway, so he settled for fiddling with his locker door until it popped open. He put his bag inside, mainly because the school stopped letting them carry their bags around. It was kind of a hassle now, but deep down, Evan knew where they were coming from.

CMS turned his head, and narrowed his eyes. "_Fucking _Kleinman."

Even without knowing Connor, it was obvious he held disdain towards him, most likely because Jared targeted him _a lot_. Evan wasn't around when he did, but Jared talked about it whenever possible. _"Hey, listen to this. I told Murphy he'd __totally__ suck dick for weed," _which was just _awful _as it was, making stoner jokes about him, but gay jokes? Evan never found those funny.

Jared strolled over confidently like he just won the lottery, which well, that was how he usually walked. Evan knew he feigned confidence, but Jared made it seem _really _believable, maybe even to himself. Even if it was just an act, fake it until it's real, right?

"How does it feel to be the first person in history to break your arm by jacking off so much?" Jared was smirking, crossing his arms across his chest. "Or do you hold that as a _personal privilege_?"

Evan knew the joke was coming, but that didn't change the fact that it was disgusting, and kind of creepy, in Evan's mind. "I fell out of a tree, actually."

Suddenly, Jared bursted our laughing. It wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't make people turn their heads in their direction. "You— fell out of a _tree?! _What are you?! An _acorn_?!"

And well, at least Evan knew the nickname wouldn't last. He just laughed feebly, "I guess..."

"You're so fucking weird," Jared shook his head, snickering. "Hey, tell your mom I was nice to you so I'll get my car insurance, okay?"

"Got it," Evan didn't bother asking Jared to sign the cast, because he'd just get the whole _family friends _speech again, and he didn't want to listen to that more than he had to.

He decided to just leave after that, not really wanting to put up with Jared and his crap. As he'd predicted, the teachers just gave them handouts and expectations sheets, along with a free period for them to do whatever they wanted. It wasn't long before lunch came around, and Evan was moving to sit next to Jared, lunch in his hands.

Suddenly, an all too familiar figure weaved through the waves of the crowd, the distinct smell of weed trailing behind him as his combat boots hit and squealed against the concrete of the school, horribly ripped jeans met with a loose brown trench coat, that hid a faded black hoodie with a few long strands of brown hair that was from the long swirls that rested on his shoulders, which hid part of his nose and his eye, but only brought out the guarded look he held.

Connor Murphy was walking down the lunch hall, very much so _alive_.

"You're staring," CMS stated, making Evan jump and realize that he had been. He tore his eyes away and glanced at Jared, knowing exactly he was about to go down.

"Hey Connor," Jared called out to him, "Loving the new hair length. Very _school shooter-chic_." He even made _finger guns _to empathize the supposed '_joke'_.

Connor stopped right in the middle of the cafeteria, his hand clutching his satchel. No one dared to move around him. He just _stared _at Jared.

And Evan couldn't just stand by and do nothing. Not again, not after what he'd seen. He elbowed Jared in the ribs and muttered, "Shut up."

Jared looked at him, and seemed to force out a laugh. "It was a _joke_." He emphasized this, his expression hardening.

"It— it wasn't funny!" Evan insisted. He hardly _ever _stood up for himself, especially to Jared, but this was important. Connor was important. "You shouldn't— s-say stuff like that!"

Jared seemed surprised at first, but he regained his composure quickly. "Why do you _care _so much about him, anyways?"

There was a number of reasons why he cared. He didn't want Connor to die _again_, they were both equally alone, but aside from that... he couldn't really explain it. He wanted to argue, but fell silent.

"You're such a _freak_," it was different when those words were directed at him, and they hurt because he _knew _it was true. There wasn't any point in denying it. Evan was different than anyone else, and it was painfully obvious. Still, he just watched Jared walk away from their table, and most likely to his other friends (if he had any others, that was).

If Evan was being one hundred percent honest, he'd expected Connor to already had left. Really, there wasn't any reason he _should've _stuck around for, since he did have an opportunity to just _leave_.

But Connor was still there, confusion written all over his face. "What the fuck?" If he hadn't been a bit louder, Evan would've thought he imagined he said that.

He still didn't have a reason, so he decided to pretend he didn't hear him. "Um— I'm sorry, a-about him..."

Surprise washed over Connor, but his expression quickly changed back into neutral. "It wasn't you," he muttered, shifting his weight.

And despite somehow managing to lie and convince Connor's family they were secret-best- friends, he still wasn't a great conversationalist. So, he just offered a friendly, kind-of forced smile.

Connor turned on his foot, waved, and continued his stride down the lunch hall.

"So Kleinman hates you now," CMS seemed optimistic about that fact. "But at least you're on my good side."

Evan decided to abandon his previous claimed table, to avoid the stares of his classmates. It was as overwhelming as the first time, despite _not _getting shoved to the ground,

"You _really _need better friends, though," CMS stated, following behind him.

It wasn't like Evan needed to be told that. He was painfully aware of that fact. It was just easier said than done.

The rest of the classes Evan was in mainly just involved handouts and sometimes the _"get to know you"_ sheets the teachers handed out. It was just for teachers to learn student's names quicker, he supposed. It depended on the teacher. Some teachers genuinely seemed to care about their students, while others just seemed to hate their job. Either way, it was heartbreaking to see his classmates just turning a blind eye to them.

Evan was aware he didn't have any deep connections with any teachers. It wasn't personal. It was just anxiety.

Finally, he had his open eighth hour, and found himself back in the computer lab like before. He felt his phone ringing, but he knew who it was without needing to look, and what they were going to say.

"I'm so sorry, Evan. I know I was supposed to pick you up, but Erica called in with the flu, and I'm the only other nurse's aid on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shift," Heidi seemed like she didn't have a lot of time to talk.

Evan was used to it, even if he still hurt. "It's fine. I'll take the bus."

"Perfect. Oh, and I'm going to class right after work, so I won't be home until late, but there's some Trader Joe's dumplings in the freezer..." it was obvious that Heidi wanted him to eat _something_.

He wasn't sure he'd have an appetite. But he didn't want to let her down. "Okay."

"Did you finish your letter from this morning? The one you started?" Clearly, Heidi remembered his lie.

"Um— yeah. It's printing right now," another blatant lie, as his computer screen was one hundred percent blank.

He could practically hear her smiling on the other line. "Was it a good day?"

"Yeah. Yeah it was," it was better than the last first day, that was for sure.

"That's great, honey," Evan can distinctly hear yelling on the other line. "Shit, I've gotta go. Bye, I love you."

He's unable to reply as she hangs up. In the back of his mind, he knows he should probably be looking for Connor, but wouldn't that be downright creepy? Would Connor think he's a _stalker_? And how would he find him, anyways? He didn't know what classes he had, or if he decided to skip.

"I think I might still come here..." CMS looked around the room, crossing his arms.

Evan glanced at him, raising an eyebrow before muttering, "Why'd you think that?"

"Haven't you noticed this timeline is still holding into pieces from the original? Jared calling you a freak, your mom saying she can't pick you up. You haven't drastically changed things, aside from our conversation," CMS said thoughtfully.

Evan doubted Connor would come in, but he nodded all the with what he said, pretending to take this into consideration. He began to type out a letter, as he'd still have to go to therapy, and didn't want to disappoint Dr. Sherman again.

_"Dear Evan Hansen, _

_Turns out today wasn't a good day. I know I need to strive for optimism, but it's almost impossible. I'm just lying to myself to make myself feel better. _

_Why do people get second chances? Bad people I mean. Why did _ _ I _ _ get a second chance? I've done nothing to deserve it. I'm a bad person. Everything I've done speaks clearly about that._

_You should probably stop typing this out before the inevitable happens._

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, _

_Me."_

The new letter served as venting, Evan thought, because he just _wasn't okay _at the moment. He'd been faced with time travel just several hours ago, practically _erased _all of his mistakes with no consequences (that, he didn't trust), and now he had to save the _dead kid _he used.

So _excuse him _if he was a bit freaked out.

Evan subconsciously hit print, before deleting the document all together. He figured he could just shove it under his bed and forget about it momentarily when he got home. But as he stood and was about to go retrieve it, he stopped dead in his tracks.

Connor Murphy was at the printer. Again. Holding his letter.

"Well that's just your luck," CMS snickered.

"So, how'd you break your arm?" Of _course _it had to start with that.

Evan picked at the plaster nervously. This was as terrifying as the first time. "I er— I fell. Out of a tree."

Connor seemed to be pleasantly surprised. He let out a laugh, "You fell? Out of a tree?" At Evan's nod, he laughed a bit harder. "That's the saddest thing I've ever heard, oh my god."

"I um, I know," Evan forced himself to laugh.

Then, Connor stopped. He looked at the cast thoughtfully, and said softly, "You should say a racist guy broke it."

Evan didn't remember him saying that before. "What?"

"In '_To Kill A Mockingbird'_, when that racist dude broke Jem's arm. It'd be a better story," he explained sheepishly.

"Oh. Maybe," Evan had completely forgotten Connor brought up the book, and immediately hated himself for it. It was one of the few genuine things he'd said to him, and was overlooked instantly (although, a lot had happened, so it wasn't exactly at the top of his priority list).

"No ones signed your cast," this was one of the few things Evan was looking forward to.

"Um— did you w-want to?" It was a bold approach, but he'd already assumed he wanted to already.

"Do you have a sharpie?" He held his hand out expectantly.

Evan silently handed him the black sharpie. When Connor grabbed his cast, he tried to hide his wince, as the other boy wasn't exactly gentle with it. Still, Connor noticed, and muttered an apology, before starting to sign it in those all too familiar big, blotchy letters that formed his name.

Things felt right. Just a little, but it was enough.

After Connor recapped the sharpie and handed it back, Evan gazed downwards at the new-but-not-really signature on his cast. He smiled slightly, and traced a finger over the letters. "Um— thanks."

"Now we can pretend we both have friends," Connor offered a hesitant smile.

Evan shrugged sheepishly. He wasn't bold enough to offer up an _actual _friendship. "Guess so."

"And er— thanks, for at lunch, with standing up to Kleinman and all. I really appreciate it," Connor flashed a small, brief smile at him.

"Oh it— it wasn't a problem. Just with all the— the school s-shootings going on, it really just—" Evan paused, taking a shaky breath in. "Just really _fucked up_."

Connor shrugged his shoulders. "It's easy to say I'm used to fucked up shit like that."

That... didn't set well with Evan. "I'm sorry," he said, mainly out of sympathy.

There was something crumpled in Connor's fist, something important he was forgetting about, but the latter slipped it into his satchel. "You have _nothing _to apologize for," he looked just a little bit amused.

"Sorry," Evan said instinctively, because what was he supposed to say to _that_? "Wait, no, hold on—"

"You want to say it again, don't you?" That reminded him of Zoe, and how she'd said that same thing to him.

"Yeah," he replied feebly. "I should l-let you go. You— you probably have stuff to do, and... yeah."

"Yeah," Connor nodded, turning around. "Thanks again, Evan," that was the last thing he said, before walking out of the computer lab.

Evan was _just _starting to feel good about that whole ordeal, but of course something went wrong, because his letter was missing from the printer. Someone had taken it.

"Oh yeah," CMS spoke up at last. "Connor slipped it into his satchel. He still took it."

That alone was enough to send Evan running out of the computer lab in seconds, fearing the inevitable fate of Connor Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping people are still interested in this. I’m thinking they all left cause I took so long lmao. That’s how it usually goes.
> 
> Might not see an update for a while since I’m gonna be moving onto short holiday stuff for the season to appease myself. 
> 
> There’s also a Dear Evan Hansen gift exchange on tumblr I’m participating in, and it starts soon, so I’ll have to work on that as well.
> 
> For those who have stuck around let me just say you have the patience of saints and I love you all!
> 
> Thank you all for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan slipped his phone out, and held it up to his ear, so it seemed like he was talkin on the phone. "I— Cynthia said there were some p-pills that went missing. Like Aspirin, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen— she said a ton of that was g-gone, and that they found you in, in a p-park."
> 
> “Okay, but which park?" CMS raised an eyebrow at him.
> 
> “She— didn't say," thankfully, the bus finally arrived, and Evan stepped on as the doors opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning- Mentions of overdose, overdosage, suicide attempt, and implied suicide
> 
> This whole chapter could be very triggering, so please tread carefully as you read it. I’ll leave a brief summary in the end notes.

They had to find Connor, which would be easier said than done.

"Do you— do you know when it happened?" Evan asked, facing the inside of his locker. It was the only way he could _talk _to CMS without looking crazy or high, and he had to mutter.

"Like, near sunset, but that's it," even the spirit seemed on edge. "Fuck, I don't know!"

Evan wanted to assure him that'd it'd be okay, that everything would be _fine_, but he couldn't, because he didn't know what would happen to Connor, how to find him, or _anything_. He didn't know anything to help Connor. He didn't have enough time to figure any of this stuff out.

All he knew was that he was skipping his therapy appointment. If he went, he'd loose valuable time trying to find Connor. The bus took a ridiculous amount of time to get to certain areas and it was very inconvenient, but it was his only way of getting around.

So, he stopped at the bus stop, and waited.

"Do you even know where the hell you're going?"CMS snarled at him, before starting to 'pace', or just drift from place to place.

Evan slipped his phone out, and held it up to his ear, so it seemed like he was talkin on the phone. "I— Cynthia said there were some p-pills that went missing. Like Aspirin, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen— she said a ton of that was g-gone, and that they found you in, in a p-park."

"Okay, but _which _park?" CMS raised an eyebrow at him.

"She— didn't say," thankfully, the bus finally arrived, and Evan stepped on as the doors opened.

There was a fair amount of people on the bus, but it wasn't full enough to force Evan into asking some random stranger if he could sit with them. It was just _awkward _and weird, and Evan hated it, because he always, without fail, managed to make it weird. Parents were tiredly sitting in their chairs, with children that were talking away or playing with a toy they brought along. The elderly were slowly texting, while teenagers had earbuds in, drowning out the rest of the world.

Evan took a seat around the mid section of the bus. The way he saw it, if he sat in the back, he'd be taking too long to get off, which would piss everyone off including the bus driver, and he'd be kicked off with no way home. But if he sat in the front, it'd seem like he was in a rush to get off, which well, he _was _in a rush (because Connor could be _dying _and he needed to find him), but it'd look like he hated the bus and he didn't want to be associated one of those assholes who don't give a shit for anyone except themselves and everyone on the bus would be pissed at him, the bus driver would pass along that he was a dick and that they shouldn't let him on.

It was too far fetched, and Evan was aware, but that didn't soothe his anxiety.

"We're gonna— try E-Ellison State Park, cause it's— it's close to your house? So maybe you didn't go far?" Evan kept the phone pressed against his ear.

CMS scoffed, "That's a stupid place to start but... it's the only lead we've got."

Evan was tempted to snip '_You got any better ideas?'_ at him, but chose the wiser option. "I'll try to t-think of some other parks."

"Pretty sure there isn't a lot of those around," he taunted, leaning against the outer seat.

Evan bit his lip but lowered the phone, silently saying he was done talking to him. He _really_ didn't want to think about Connor dying, because if he did, it'd be _his_ fault. _He_ was supposed to be saving him, but instead history was repeating itself, and he didn't know where the hell to go. Evan was _scared_, damn it, and not for himself, but for Connor as well. He couldn't lie to the Murphy's again, he just _couldn't_, and he wouldn't, because despite his good intentions in The Original Timeline, they became more centered around himself, whether he liked it or not, and he still hurt them in the end. He _had _to make things right.

While on the painfully slow bus, Evan decided to look up basic information on an overdose. Really, he only had _ten minutes_, maybe a couple more, before a body would shut down. The person experiencing this would gag and throw up, to try and expel the substances inside their body. They'd be really out of it and loopy, too, the predictability of what they'd talk about could either be them being lucid, or something entirely different.

Most importantly though, he needed to be prepared to perform CPR, and to call an ambulance. Thankfully he'd gotten CPR certified through a class his school offered, but he still dreaded just the thought of talking to an operator on the phone. Evan was aware it was their _job_ to help people and save lives, but his mind was wracking up ideas as to how he'd embarrass himself (even though he _shouldn't _be worrying about that).

It took forever, but the bus stopped at Elision State Park at last, and Evan tried to act casual as he walked off. Ellison felt _too familiar_, and he swore his arm buzzed just from being there.

Evan frantically began to look for Connor, searching for benches or figures under trees, but the park seemed entirely abandoned. There wasn't a trace that proved that anyone had been there at all that day.

It was... really depressing, if Evan was being honest.

"This must bring back _fun _memories, huh?" CMS taunted him, looking around.

Evan shivered, just from that small mention. "Please don't."

"You know you did that to yourself," he stated. "The whole _'did you fall or let go'_, thing. Sadly I can't take credit for it."

He chose to ignore him, as he looked around. He bit his lip hard and brushed a hangnail. "He's... he's not here."

CMS curled his first, growling lowly. "I fucking _knew _this was a stupid place to start! I _told you_, but no, you didn't listen! You don't _fucking _listen!"

Instinctively, Evan took a step away from the spirit. Yelling at him would cause two different reactions; he'd either get defensive, or he'd fall silent and take it. He wrapped his arms around his shaking torso and shut his eyes.

Something must've changed in CMS, because suddenly the screaming ceased. The world around them went too quiet, and the only sound Evan could register was the wind blowing, and CMS breathing softly.

The latter inhaled deeply, exhaled sharply, and grumbled, "Let's get the hell out of here..."

All that went down had changed. Just like that, and just that quickly. Despite his confusion, he obliged, making his way back to the bus stop.

Surprisingly, CMS didn't say anything for once, as he avoided looking at Evan all together. It made him feel unsettled, and the atmosphere around them felt awkward, to Evan at least. By the time the bus had arrived, the sun was just starting to set.

"I um, thought we could go to a park? Well, a, a d-different one, obviously," Evan was using the fake phone call act again. "It's kinda one of those s-smaller parks? That, that no one goes to? It's called Wilson Park. I u-used to go there a lot. When I was young, a-at least."

CMS seemed unsettled just by the name of the park. "I don't like the sound of that place."

"Maybe that's a, a sign?" Evan suggested feebly. He just received a shrug from the latter.

"You better be right about that place, because we _don't _have all night to go on a wild goose chase," the spirit warned, rolling up the sleeves of his trench coat and hoodie. "And I'm not too sure I'd be willing to give you a _third _chance."

Evan's stomach did a backflip at that last part. He lowered his phone slowly, and opted to wrap his arms around his torso as he stared out the window. He distinctly remembered the threat CMS made when he first saw him. "_And if you don't accept, I can easily kill you_," Evan remembers how that made his skin crawl and go impossibly dry, "_I'm getting back at you one way or another. I'm still absolutely, one hundred percent __pissed__ at you and what you did. And don't try the whole '__you need me!!!' __Speech. Zoe's my second choice to you."_. He doubted that it was an empty threat at this point.

It was another long bus ride, and by the time they made it to Wilson Park, the sun was almost completely set. However, as Evan and CMS stepped off the bus, it was apparent that the park was very small, and a lot of it was open, aside from a small wooded area.

Evan walked past the sign that welcomed visitors, but heard a sharp inhale, and when he turned his head, he saw that CMS was just outside the park.

"I don't like this place," he whispered, hugging his arms. "Don't wanna _be here_."

That's when he realized he found the right spot. "This is it. Come on, w-we gotta find you."

"_Fuck_," CMS didn't seem comfortable with that at _all_. "Why do I have to go with?"

"I think you'll know— w-where er... it happened," he was discreet, but only because he couldn't bring himself to actually say it.

Despite his hesitation, CMS slowly made his way into the park, and started to lead the way. They passed a small playground, a couple of benches, and even a swing set that swung in the gentle breeze. The aurora the park led was eery and somehow even _more _unsettling than Ellison. It felt like someone was watching him and his every move, judging every step and action straight up to the book, with how his hands were trembling, and lower lip being ripped at by his teeth rolling them.

The next thing Evan knew, CMS had stopped abruptly, and was staring ahead in front of them. There was a singular tree on the left hand side, and a final bench of the right. Under the tree was a figure that was cloaked by the darkness, and they were still standing.

They'd found him in time. Or, at least he wasn't _dead_.

"We found you," Evan was immensely relieved, but kept his voice down, not wanting Connor to see him so soon. "We're— we're not too late."

CMS kept staring at Connor, like he was trying to figure something out. "I'm not doing anything. _Why _am I just... standing there? Fuck, why can't I..._remember?!_"

"I'm— I'm going to t-talk to him," that thought made Evan's stomach fill with dread, but that was the only thing he could _actually _do. He hoped he'd be able to talk Connor down, _maybe_ offer to be an actual friend, and walk him home. After all, if he showed he cared, that'd be enough, right? If Evan was in Connor's position, he'd say yes, but only because he's used to being forgettable.

But before he could even make the first step, he saw Connor sway, and collapse.

In an instant, Evan was off, running to Connor, because he _hadn't _saved him, not yet, and if he didn't hurry, he wouldn't.

He knelt down next to Connor, who was on his back, muttering to himself, his eyes dazed as he looked Evan up and down. Evan quickly pulled out his phone and dialed nine one one, and sputtered out what was happening to the receptionist.

CMS was shaking, his eyes glued to Connor. He was obviously uncomfortable, but wouldn't move away. "Save him, Evan. _Save him, _god damn it!"

Connor weakly turned his head to the spirit, and squinted. "Is... is that... m-me?"

Evan was glad he was off the phone by then, because he probably would've gone dead silent. How could Connor _see _CMS? No one else had been able to, and he doubted CMS knew why.

"Connor— Connor, l-look at me," he got in the way of the spirit, hoping to get his attention. "You need to s-sit up!" He tried to sit him up.

Connor's body resisted, as he leaned to the side and began to throw up. If he wasn't sitting up, there was a chance he could choke on his vomit. He _had _to sit up.

Evan pushed him up against the tree so he could sit against it. Connor lulls his head sideways as he heaves in deep breaths, before he puked again, mainly getting vomit on his trench coat.

"I'm sorry Z-Zoe," Connor sounded so exhausted. "I'm— sorry, mon and d-dad." His voice was getting low and gravely, and he sounded close to crying. It _pained _Evan, because he knew there was a major wedge between him and his family, and Connor probably thought he wouldn't see them again.

Sirens wailed in the nearby distance, but it'd still be a minute until the paramedics found them. He had to keep Connor conscious for as long as he could.

"S—stay with me. You c-care," it was a weak plea, as Connor grabbed onto his forearm and held it loosely.

Evan shook his head. He understood not wanting to be alone in the hospital, but that was _too soon_, and too invasive. "No, you need y-your family."

"They d-don't care," Connor was fighting to stay awake at this point. "_Please_."

"I—" Evan's voice shook, and he stopped himself, before saying softly, "I'll visit, o-okay?"

"Okay," the paramedics were nearly there, and Evan stepped out of their way. Two of them carried a stretcher, and hoisted Connor onto it and into the ambulance in a matter of minutes.

"Excuse me," one of the paramedics pulled him aside. "Can you tell us what what happened here?"

Evan swallowed so harshly his Adam's apple bobbed. "I— I was out running, and I saw him fall d-down. He s-swallowed stuff like uh— Aspirin, T-Tylenol, and Ibuprofen."

The paramedic nodded, taking note of all of this. "Would you like to give us your name? You can claim to be anonymous, though, for privacy reasons."

"A-anonymous would be nice," the last thing Evan wanted was attention for this. He assumed Connor would probably be pissed, anyways.

"You do realize you could've, um hello, _talked to him_ if he knew you saved him!" CMS told him off once they arrived back at his house.

"He'd hate me," Evan felt numb and heavy. He hadn't stopped shaking. "He _hates _me."

"Probably could've made things easier for you, but whatever," CMS wandered off to another section of the house, still fuming.

That night, Evan didn't find sleep as easily as he would've liked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary- Evan and CMS search for Connor, find him at a small park called Wilson Park, and save him. Connor briefly sees CMS, but assumes it’s a hallucination. Evan asks a paramedic to keep his identity anonymous so Connor nor his family knows he saved him.
> 
> I’m honestly worried this fic feels like it’s dead. I had so much to work on this month, and I only had so much time to work on this chaprer. 
> 
> Anyways I decided that Connor wouldn’t be found in Ellison because in the book, it’s like really close to his house. So I thought it’d make more sense for him to go farther away.
> 
> CMS is an asshole, but he’s our asshole. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this fic, please leave kudos and a comment below! Those really validate me! And maybe check out my other stuff too? Because I’m feeling really insecure about not just this chapter but my other works as well. Just the lack of interactivity really gives off the “I don’t care about this” kind of vibe.
> 
> If you want to see me shitpost, my main Tumblr is @cravingcraze . My writing blog is @cravingcrazewriting . Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Another nightmare?" CMS never failed to pull him out of his thoughts so abruptly. It was kinda crazy how he did it.
> 
> Nevertheless, this still surprised Evan. "How'd you—?"
> 
> "Let's just say you mumble about it. A lot. Loud enough for me to hear, at least," he shrugged, watching Evan move to get his bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT SORRY I’VE BEEN DEAD!!!
> 
> This month slammed on me. Hard. I had finals, and I also started working, so I’ve been super busy. Literally this would’ve been out last night but I had to work late.
> 
> Anyways, again, sorry for the late update. Enjoy!

It's been three days since Evan found Connor, and he kept having nightmares about him dying. 

The most common ones he had were in Wilson, Connor going limp in his arms, and suddenly Cynthia showing him his note and saying they were best friends. She'd reveal that her son was _ dead _ , that she was sorry he had to find out in the worst way possible, and was practically begging for him to say _ 'yeah, I knew him', _despite the fact that he didn't, and that he still doesn't.

Others are him waking back in The Original Timeline, right before CMS took him away, and that none of that really happened. On rare occasions he dreamt about multiple days back in The Original Timeline, and he truly believed he was back and couldn't make things right. That he'd still had hurt Connor's family, unintentionally or not, because despite the fact his intentions were good at first, he got greedy in the end. He just wanted to keep Connor alive, for however long as possible (he wanted to at least get him help).

But it's been three days since he was in Wilson, and in The Original Timeline, it took three days for him to find out what happened. So, in theory, he'd find out that day if everything was okay.

"Another nightmare?" CMS never failed to pull him out of his thoughts so abruptly. It was kinda crazy how he did it.

Nevertheless, this still surprised Evan. "How'd you—?"

"Let's just say you mumble about it. A lot. Loud enough for me to hear, at least," he shrugged, watching Evan move to get his bag.

"I've been meaning to ask you, h-how're you still here?" Evan threw some of his homework inside the backpack, wanting to busy himself to keep anxiety at bay.

The spirit paused, thinking. "I think it's because of the timeline we're from. I'm still dead there, and there isn't hope for me— like, this me. Dead me. That timeline still exists."

That probably made the most sense, he supposed, because there wasn't any accounts of time travel before, so there wasn't really a set of rules to follow. The universe just did whatever it wanted, whether Evan liked it or not. 

"I think I might like— see your p-parents today," he zipped up the pocket of it, before lifting it up, but didn't put it on. He still had to make a sandwich (well, if they had anything to make one). "Cause of like— the pattern thing you t-talked about."

"Wait a minute," CMS just realized something. He furrowed his brow in anger and looked at him. "You left that fucking letter!"

"I— I didn't realize until after!" Evan defended, scraping to hold the backpack from the bottom and to grip at it, tightly. Excuse him if he was trying to save Connor, his letter wasn't exactly on the top of his priority list.

“I fucking _ swear _, if you pull the same shit as last time—“

“I won’t!” Did he really think Evan would make the same mistake _ twice _? He wasn’t stupid, he already knew lying wouldn’t help (which he didn’t know before), and while the truth would be bitter and hurt them, it was better than the alternative. After all, he did more harm than good.

“Good. I was seriously thinking you didn’t learn shit from last time,” CMS smirked, watching Evan grip the bag even tighter.

The latter chose not to respond, going out into the living room, where he set his bag down, entered the kitchen, and grabbed honey, jelly, and bread.

CMS raised an eyebrow. “Not a fan of peanut butter?”

“No, ‘cause it could kill me,” Evan muttered, spreading the honey on first.

“Oh,” the spirit didn’t sound sorry, just intrigued, curious even. “That sucks.”

He simply shrugged, wiping off the honey before sliding on some jelly. He’d been allergic since he was a baby, so he didn’t know what he was missing out on (he wondered if CMS had any memories related to peanut butter).

After slapping the two pieces of bread together, Evan threw it inside a ziplock baggie, and put it in his backpack. He threw his bag around his shoulders, and left for the bus. 

“_ No more lies. No more lies,” _ Evan tried his hardest to stay relaxed, as people chatted away on his commute. _ “You aren’t going to lie anymore. No more lies, no more lies.” _

He was blindly hoping that he’d be left alone for the day, in class, just in general, but Alana was approaching, her expression carrying worry. He wondered how didn’t notice before. 

“Have you seen Connor? He’s been gone for a couple of days, now,” she told him in a hurry, curling her lip under her tooth slightly, realized what she was doing, and then promptly stopped.

“Um— no, sorry,” maybe _ after _he was called into the office, he’d tell her, but in that moment, him knowing just wouldn’t make any sense. “Why?”

Alana inhaled, almost like to compose herself, then exhaled, before saying, “I’ve just noticed he’s been… picked on quite a lot, lately, so pardon me if this raises concern.”

That was true, Evan supposed. Connor _ was _picked on a lot, but mainly by cocky athletes who thought they could take him in a fight, and unfortunately, Evan had once witnessed one. Needless to say, despite his lanky appearance, he was way stronger than people anticipated.

Other than that, leading up to before he was called into the office, everything seemed to be normal. Classes were still boring, he was alone for most of them, and he was focusing on mentally preparing preparing for his name to be announced on the intercom.

Ironically though, it still made him tense when the mid aged lady on the intercom shriveled, “Evan Hansen to the principal’s office, please, Evan Hansen, to the principal's office.” 

Walking into the Principal Harris’ office was as dreadful as the first time, as Cynthia still had the look of dread planted on her face, and Larry just looked straight up guilty, probably for not doing anything sooner. 

It was almost enough to make him lie _ again _. Almost.

“_ Don’t lie,” _ he reminded himself. _ “It won’t fix anything, no matter how bad it looks. Connor probably lived. It’s okay. Don’t lie.” _

“Don’t you fucking mess it up again,” CMS glared at him, watching Evan peer inside.

“Um, I’m sorry, I’m supposed to see Principal Harris,” because why not start off with the same thing he said before? It was relevant to the situation, and didn’t imply anything.

Cynthia looked surprised to see him, which was reasonable, despite knowing quite a bit about her and her family. “You’re Evan Hansen?”

“Principal Harris stepped out. We wanted to talk to you. Please, come in,” Larry took a seat as Evan walked in. 

“I… I don’t understand, why am I here?” He sat down in the seat, and scooted away from them slightly.

“We’re Connor’s parents. You… haven’t heard?” At Evan’s headshake, Cynthia gaped at Larry, “He hasn’t heard yet.”

_ ‘He’s dead, it didn’t work. You weren’t fast enough _.’

Larry let out an irritated sigh, “Then _ tell _him—“

“I’m _ going _as fast as I can!” Cynthia inhaled sharply, clearly holding back tears. Evan can see her pull out the note.

_‘Connor died, you couldn’t even __save_ _him right, and you’re gonna fuck everything up again—‘_

“Connor… wanted you to have this. He— he said it wasn’t even _ his _ ,” she placed the note in his hands, and Evan has to hold it like he could rip it, because he’s close to just _ dropping the damn thing _. “I just thought… maybe you two were friends?”

“I— What?” Connor told them the truth? Well, that made things easier on his end, he supposed, but it was still heartbreaking to watch.

Cynthia tried to reply, but she got choked up, and turned away. Larry cleared his throat, and said, “Connor is in the hospital. He— tried to take his life.”

_ ‘Tried. Key word, tried. It didn’t work. He’s still alive. Here’s still here.’ _

Evan scooted back further into his chair, nerves sleeping through his every vain. “I didn’t— we aren’t friends. I’m sorry, b-but— I wrote that.” Shakily, he gestured to his note.

Cynthia rubbed at her eyes, her entire form deflating. Larry put his hand on her shoulder, and looked at Evan. “I’m sorry, Evan, we didn’t mean to drag you into this.”

Evan couldn’t bear to look at them . “It’s not your fault. It was just a— a misunderstanding.”

“Did you want to see him?” Cynthia spoke up. “He was talking about you, and how he wanted to apologize, so I just thought…”

“Do it,” CMS spoke up. “I need to see that I’m _ okay _, I don’t know where this is going, but I’m probably not doing well.’

Despite the input from CMS, Evan hesitated. “Are you… sure?”

“We can drive you there!” Cynthia quickly added. “Plus it probably won’t take too long…”

The spirit turned to glare at him. “Evan. _ Do it _.”

And well. If _ that _didn’t send chills coursing through his body, he wasn’t sure what would. 

“Cynthia, don’t force the boy to go,” Larry frowned at her. “It’s an… awkward situation.” With this, he turned to Evan, and added, “Don’t feel pressured to go, Evan. I’m sure Connor will talk to you when he comes back.”

_ ‘No pressure? Easy for you to say, Larry, you don’t have a spirit following you around, reminding you of your mistakes from a completely different time, and basically keeping ‘keep me alive or you’d dead’ on your back.’ _

“I— um,” Evan cleared his throat. “Sure.”

In the matter of just ten minutes, Evan was suddenly in the backseat of the Murphy’s car, similarly to before, when they took him to eat at their house but under different circumstances, thankfully. Zoe wasn’t in the car, and it dawned on him that he hadn’t seen her _ at all _yet. It was weird. And unsettling.

The car ride was tense and unpleasant, as sometimes Cynthia would ask him if he saw Connor in class (“He skips, Cynthia, remember?”), which he would reply that he saw him from time to time, but not consistently. Evan also had a thing where he thought that if he took his phone out while around strangers, they’d get offended by him and assume they’d think they were boring, which they _ weren’t _, Evan was just an awkward guy that wanted an out, but when he heard a mid aged woman remark something about teenagers always being on their phones, he decided to just use it when he was alone so he wouldn’t leave that impression.

Once they’ve arrived, they lead him up a few stories, and to Connor’s hospital room, where the door is shut and an obvious sign he shouldn’t be there. 

Nevertheless, Larry opened the door and swung it open, revealing two figures side by side, having had previously been talking.

Zoe was wearing a jean jacket that hid whatever shirt she was wearing underneath, and a blue skirt that almost reached her knees, along with basic tennis shoes. Her hair was tied up into a high ponytail. 

She was still as beautiful as ever, and Evan had to remind himself that he wasn’t going to seek her out again. 

And then there was Connor, wearing a blue hospital gown, IVs sticking out of his wrist, and his forearms wrapped in thick bandages. He had bags under his eyes; and his brown, messy hair was everywhere. 

It felt so _ intrusive _, because he didn’t deserve to see this. He didn’t even know the guy.

Evan could feel Zoe’s eyes on him as Larry and Cynthia lead him into the room, and he felt a sense of deja vu from when she found out he and Connor were ‘friends’, but she was suspicious of him and thought he was his dealer or something.

“Who’s this?” Zoe looked at her parents, then to Evan, her expression guarded. “And why’s he here?”

Neither Cynthia or Larry responded right away, so Evan had to assume the question was _ for him _, not just aimed at him. “Oh! I er… wrote that l-letter, you all found…”

“And Connor wanted to apologize for taking it,” Larry added on, looking at the latter on the hospital bed. Evan couldn’t bear to look at him in that moment.

Evan spared a glance at Zoe. She looked surprised, and a little hurt.

“Did you want some time alone with him?” Cynthia seemed to force a small smile. 

“Please,” it almost sounded like he was begging, “And t-thank you.”

Zoe seemed unwilling to leave, but her parents ushered her out, Cynthia flashing what seemed to be a reassuring smile, which really wasn't, but he didn’t say anything as he slowly looked over at Connor.

“Hope my parents didn’t bug you too much,” he said, watching Evan slowly take a seat in the chair by his bed. “Told them that it wasn’t mine, but they were probably in denial, or something.” 

One thing that stood out right away was how slow he was talking. Maybe it was because he was tired, or just on pain medication, but in that moment, Evan didn’t know. Still, it was better than him _ yelling _at him.

“It— it’s okay, wasn’t their fault or a-anything,” he tried to be cool about this, but really, he was just his awkward, normal self.

“I’m sorry I took it,” Connor stared at his IVs. “You didn’t do _ anything _to me.”

Evan couldn’t disagree, except for the fact that in The Original Timeline, he did accidentally provoke him. Twice. But it wasn’t like he could _ tell him _that. 

He swallowed harshly, his question getting caught in his throat. He had to muster up the smallest amount of courage just to whisper, “Why did you t-take it?”

Connor didn’t reply right away, at first, as he looked away from him, brushing a hand through his wavy hair, tucking it behind his ear. He was silent for a while, but he shut his eyes and inhaled sharply, before exhaling deeply and fully. 

“I— saw myself in your letter. It hit close to home. I thought it was just… perfect, to use, I mean,” finally, he opened his eyes, and gazed at Evan.

Evan looked down at the letter, in the middle of it._ ‘Why do people get second chances? Bad people I mean. Why did _ _ I _ _ get a second chance? I've done nothing to deserve it. I'm a bad person. Everything I've done speaks clearly about that.’ _

_ He thinks he’s a bad person. _

Suddenly, Evan wants nothing more than to fix this situation, because his stupid letter fucked things up _ again _, and his stomach is twisting up like a scrunchie, and he bets that if he tried to speak in that moment, it’d just be word vomit.

Connor sat up slightly, his eyebrows lowering in confusion, probably just from the look Evan was giving. “It wasn’t _ just _your letter, so um, calm down.”

Oh. _ Oh _, that’s what’s worrying him, and well, he’s justified, because Evan definitely feels guilty, so that’s probably showing on his face, as well. He let out a shuddering breath and just nodded, cause what else was he supposed to do?

“Anyways, that’s uh, that’s all I wanted to say. Sorry for making you come all the way out here,” Connor looked away, or more like at his bed sheets, specifically.

Evan finally spared a glance at CMS, who was silent throughout the whole ordeal. The spirit seemed uncomfortable, but didn’t try to leave.

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered, quite literally for no reason other than possible shock. “I am _ not _okay.”

And as much as Evan hates to come to terms with that, it’s true, and really, what would stop him from another attempt. His parents tried, but it took them far too long to figure out he needed, and _ especially _finding medication can be a horrendous procedure, so it probably wouldn’t feel like enough. 

Connor needed someone to talk to. Someone to fall back on.

“Uhmn. If you— when you get back, d-did you want to—“ God, this was harder than he thought. “Er, sit together? At lunch? And we— we have Human Bio together, we need p-partners, would you— like to be mine?” 

Connor’s head whipped around so fast Evan thought for a second he’d almost decapitated himself, and his eyes are wide in surprise, almost like a ‘_ Me? Do you know who you’re asking?’ _.

“... Why me?” He furrowed his brow.

Evan pushed his fingers together, a satisfying crack escaping out, and a twinge of pain followed suite. “We— sorta know each other, and it’s not like I have a-anyone _ else _to sit by. Plus I can, like, help you out on the stuff you missed.”

“But— it’s _ me _. The ‘school shooter’, freak, physco, do you really want that hovering over your shoulder?” Really, Evan should’ve anticipated this. Connor always seemed to be paranoid, and this confirmed his suspicions. 

“I wouldn’t have stood up for you if I thought those things,” he argued weakly.

This silenced Connor for a moment. Then, he said, “If you’re sure, then whatever.”

Evan smiled slightly, slowly standing up. “I am.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded, clearly fighting off the tiniest smile. “See you around, Hansen.”

Evan opened the door gently, and Zoe was watching him with that guarded look from before, while Cynthia looked confused, and Larry looked just a bit worried. “See you around, Connor.”

On his way out, it dawned on him that he’d have to wait for his mom to get off shift, and explain _ why _he was even there in the first place. But he tried to think about how well things were going, so far, and how he was finally going to try and help Connor.

He could only hope it’d be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn’t take too long XDDX. Or that people didn’t loose interest.
> 
> Zoe finally came in! I didn’t think I could do much with her in this chapter, because this is starting an arch for Connor and Evan, so that took priority.
> 
> I’m feeling alright on Connor’s characterization. :/ Then again, I’m only just starting with him.
> 
> I had some issues copying and pasting my stuff here, so if anyone knows if you can transfer stuff from Google Docs to here, let me know. (Also, autocorrect is trigger happy on ao3 so this would save me TONS OF TIME)
> 
> Please comment and leave kudos if you can! Those validate me! If you don’t, I’ll feel shitty and take forever to update lol
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Connor was gone for about a week, people talked about him, about why he could’ve done it, and in general, just gossiped about him, which Evan hadn’t exactly paid attention to the first time around, as he was trying to maintain a stream of lies, not to mention he was completely endorsed with the Murphy’s. Now he could just see how much people were feigning worry and concern over the poor guy. They didn’t want to help him, they wanted gossip to leach on and suck it out of the source itself.
> 
> It was awful, and the only thing Evan could do was turn a blind eye to them, and when Connor came back, his world flipped upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I’m not trying to do monthly updates! I just have a lot on my plate!

Needless to say, Heidi wasn’t exactly happy with Evan after work. 

She expressed her worry for him when she got a call from the school, saying he left early to go to the hospital, and that she didn’t have time to call him and check up on him. What she _ did _find out though, was that the Murphy’s took Evan there to see their son, who she was almost certain Evan didn’t know.

Of course, Evan felt bad, but he told her it was just to clear up a misunderstanding, and that things were okay, and that he was sorry he didn’t tell her what was going on. Thankfully, she seemed to understand that it all happened very fast, and let it go.

While Connor was gone for about a week, people talked about him, about why he could’ve done it, and in general, just _ gossiped _ about him, which Evan hadn’t exactly paid attention to the first time around, as he was trying to maintain a stream of lies, not to mention he was _ completely _ endorsed with the Murphy’s. Now he could just see how much people were feigning worry and concern over the poor guy. They didn’t want to _ help him _, they wanted gossip to leach on and suck it out of the source itself.

It was awful, and the only thing Evan could do was turn a blind eye to them, and when Connor came back, his world flipped upside down.

Evan was never expecting it, especially when Connor suddenly sat down next to him in second hour Human Biology. He hadn’t heard _ anything _about him coming back, but in retrospect, he’d only heard about it from Jared (as the latter loved gossiping about Connor).

What immediately drove attention to Connor was the violet sweatshirt with a checker pattern, and the words “Limited Edition” in the front. The color just… stood out from what he usually wore, but it wasn’t like it didn’t _ suit him _or anything, it was nice, just different. 

Aside from the new sweatshirt, nothing else was too different about him. He still had his long, wild, probably unbrushed like he’d just gotten out of bed, with his usual slim jeans and combat boots. It was just that sweatshirt, it was like a _ beacon _, pulling his attention from whatever his teacher was talking about to Connor, who was laying his head on their shared desk, sort of keeping his arms on his respective side. 

“Evan, can you go over what we’ve been talking about in class with Connor? Fill him in a little bit? I’m going to send him an email with everything later, but it’ll help if he knows now for the worksheet we’re working on,” the teacher whispered to Evan, setting down a simple worksheet, while Connor received a small pile.

Really, how was he supposed to say no? If he did, he’d let Connor fall and sink, with no possible way to resurface aside from the teacher, who was usually busy with other students to begin with. So, he just nodded and muttered an okay. 

CMS looked Connor up and down. He made a face, “I’d never wear _ that _. Not willingly, at least. It’s too bright, sticks out too much.” 

Evan hummed softly as he pulled out his older worksheets from the week before turning to look at Connor. 

He seemed unamused by the stack of papers sitting in front of him, moving slightly to a sitting position. If a look could kill those papers would be set to flames. 

Evan coughed slightly. “Um. Welcome back?”

Connor tilted his head towards him, before looking away, and muttering, “Thanks…”

He pulled the first worksheet he had out to the top of the pile. “I— I like y-your new sweatshirt,” he whispered, handing Connor a spare pencil, as the latter didn’t have one out.

“I don’t,” Connor gingerly took it, staring at the violet color, “but Cynthia made me. Something about _ “making my wardrobe more colorful” _, like that’s the big issue here.”

“That sounds like Cynthia,” CMS crossed his arms, observing the two. “Be sympathetic. We _ hate _that stupid sweatshirt.”

Distinctly, Evan remembers when Cynthia invited him over to go through Connor’s old clothes. It wasn’t all just black like he’d previously had though, but he did seem fond of darker shades in general. “Oh, I— I’m sorry, that really sucks. Mine is… small, so it almost never changes.”

“Is that why you wear polos so much?” Connor furrowed his brow. “I’m pretty sure those are fucking expensive.”

Evan just shrugged, and said, “Goodwill. Just .... I wanted to look nice, not— s-stick out or anything.” 

“I guess I get that,” Connor was copying Evan’s worksheet of all the bones in a hand, which really was all he _ could _do, as they didn’t have too many resources to use besides the computers in the room. 

Evan did his best not to stare, but it proved to be difficult. “So— is it nice? Being back..?”

“Well that was a dumb question,” CMS feigned cheerfulness. 

Connor scowled, gripping the pencil impossibly tight. “Oh, well the people who made rumors about me are pretending to be sympathetic, saying I can “go to them” when I really never will, and saying my life is worth it when they wanted me _ dead _ . So excuse me if I’m not _ jumping with excitement _.”

He flinched at Connor’s word choices, but really, he was right. People were just faking it for attention, and despite how _ obvious _it was, other students fell victim to their lies and believed them.

“Sorry…” he whispered. “They— _ have _been faking it, you just— you’re the type of guy to I-ignore it.” 

Connor crossed his arms, looking away from him. “I _ do _, but it’s hard when they just come up to me and start running their mouths.”

“Well, I can s-show you less popular hallways, and like— we can sit together at lunch?” Evan twisted and crunched his knuckles, as they felt achy and uncomfortable.

He was silent for a moment, before saying, “That’d be nice…”

They didn’t really maintain a conversation after that, as both worked on their respective assignments until the bell rang, where Evan stood up and began leading him to some of the more deserted hallways. It didn’t take long, and they arrived in a dim lit hallway.

“Kinda feels like you’re gonna murder me, but I know you’re not _ that _fucked up,” CMS admired the demeanor of the area. It was probably normal, since he was dead and all.

“The— the lights turn people away. It just— bugs them,” Evan explained, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Was this the middle school hallway or something?” Connor narrowed his eyes, looking around. 

“Probably, that or just an older part they abandoned,” Evan shrugged. “There’s still some classes down here, but I know it leads back to the main hall and upstairs in places.”

“So people don’t come down here?” Connor asked, looking around.

Evan shook his head, “Except for the people who have classes down here, or use this hallway, too, but no one usually talks.”

“This is so perfect,” he smiled slightly, “I really need this. Thanks.”

“Oh um— you’re welcome!” Evan turned around and quickly left, going to the main hall to let the latter have time to himself.

“So, how’d you know about _ that _place?” CMS hovered beside him.

Evan silently pulled his phone and typed in his notes. _ “When the Connor project blew up I found those hallways to get away for awhile.” _

“Huh. Speaking of that, didn’t it start around a week after I died?” The spirit raised an eyebrow.

Evan paused for a moment, but then tilted his head.

“Her,” the spirit went out in front of him and gestured to Alana, who was taping a small flyer on the wall, the words “Mental Health Group” catching Evan’s eyes.

“What?” Evan whispered, walking up to it and gazing over it’s contents. It’s apparently going to start a week from that very day. 

CMS narrowed his eyes at the poster. “I think this timeline is still grasping onto bits of our own. It doesn’t know what’ll happen next, so it’s just taking from ours.” 

There really isn’t a lot Evan could do at this point, because _ time and space _were narrowly out of his hands, it was the second he agreed to go with CMS. All he could do was take a picture of the flyer, and roll with the punches at this point.

On the plus side, Evan could focus a little more on class work than the first time around, which was pretty nice. It didn’t, however, help the fact that people still gossiped about how Connor disappeared in between classes, and was suspected of getting high, which was just _ ridiculous _, but Evan supposed old habits die hard.

“They never cared before,” CMS glared at whatever students gossiped about, “And they don’t now. They’re just assholes trying to make themselves look good for the kid who tried to kill himself.”

Well, at least he and Evan were on the page about _ something _.

Nothing significant really happened throughout the rest of the day, except that Connor had stuck to his word, and sat at the opposite end of Evan’s usual table in the corner of the lunchroom.

At first, it made Evan’s heart race just at the thought of maintaining a conversation, mainly because he used lunch to cool down from all his interactions throughout the day, but Connor just tiredly pulled out some earbuds as he set down a ham and cheese sandwich. While he didn’t say anything, his eyes spoke it all. He was probably being bugged in class, and just needed time for himself, to escape to a world where words weren’t required to find serenity. 

And well, if that was all Connor needed, Evan could do that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thanks for letting me sit with you,” Connor had said, as they traveled down the empty, lightly lit hallway Evan had just shown him that very day.
> 
> “Of—of course,” Evan replied a little too late, because Connor was already parting for his next class.
> 
> And it just kept going from there. Evan would cross paths with Connor throughout the rest of the day, and they made small talk about their classes, such as assignments, people being stupid in their class, shit that was only funny to high school students, or just stupid decisions made by stupid teachers. It didn’t really matter what they talked about, because it was short, but sweet.
> 
> It was the start of a friendship. It was fragile and flimsy, but it was still something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god this chapter took a while. Life hasn’t been busy, I’ve just been binging The Magnus Archives. It’s a great show lol
> 
> I won’t keep you. Enjoy!

Evan isn’t sure how it became a  _ thing _ .

After they ate lunch together for the first time, Connor just…. stood there, waiting, and it dawned on Evan that he was waiting for  _ him _ , which didn’t make any sense, but he didn’t question it, opting to follow Connor instead.

“Thanks for letting me sit with you,” Connor had said, as they traveled down the empty, lightly lit hallway Evan had just shown him that very day.

“Of—of course,” Evan replied a little too late, because Connor was already parting for his next class.

And it just kept going from there. Evan would cross paths with Connor throughout the rest of the day, and they made small talk about their classes, such as assignments, people being stupid in their class, shit that was only funny to high school students, or just stupid decisions made by stupid teachers. It didn’t really matter what they talked about, because it was short, but sweet.

It was the start of a friendship. It was fragile and flimsy, but it was still something.

During human biology they’d chat about their mornings as they worked, filling the empty space with small chatter.

“I’m so fucking smothered at home,” Connor told him, picking off remains of his pencil eraser. “I wish I could have more space. Is that so much to ask?”

“I’m— I'm sure they’re just… doing their best,” Evan didn’t think  _ “worried”  _ would really fit in Connor’s mind at that moment, and he didn’t wanna tick him off again like last time. 

“It would’ve been nice if they did that the first time,” CMS rolled his eyes, scraping at his black nail polish. It was weird, because he saw pieces of it scrape off, but it wouldn’t hit the ground or really affect his form. Nothing really affected him physically. “They shouldn’t have waited for their son to try and kill himself to see that.”

Connor poked his pencil with his finger tip to test if it was sharp, which it wasn’t. “It just feels like there could’ve been a better way. It feels like they think they’re  _ obligated  _ to try and help me, cause I couldn’t leave the hospital without having some form of medication, and a therapist, who just… doesn’t fit.”

“Bad therapist?” Evan looked up from his worksheet and set his pencil down. “It— it took me like— months to find a good one, so like, that’s normal, you just gotta tell your parents.”

“I bet they’ll get pissy about it,” CMS scoffed, watching the two of them. “Larry got that way with how many  _ “specialists _ ” Cynthia took me to. They were all just counselors who had no idea what the fuck they were doing.”

“I’m lucky that Larry is letting me see a therapist as it is, I don’t think he’d let me switch,” Connor narrowed his eyes. “Can’t I just tell the therapist it isn’t working out?”

Evan had completely forgotten about that tiny detail, but only because  _ he  _ never asked directly. “I mean. Yeah. But I don’t think you’d have an appointment that day. I dunno.”

“Well, how’d you do it? You said it took you months to find presumably the one you have now, so spill. From one mentally fucked up kid to another, huh?” Connor must’ve been trying to make a joke, because he let out a small laugh, and smiled slightly at Evan.

“It was mostly through email. Just—something like “ _ I’m sorry, but this isn’t working. I want to see someone else” _ ,” Evan explained, not really catching the joke due to his nerves working overtime, apparently. 

Connor suddenly let out a snort that made Evan nearly jump out of his seat. “That sounds like a fucking breakup, my  _ god _ .”

Evan smiled weakly, making a noise that he hoped was a laugh. He had to stop being so tense around Connor, damn it. “I— it  _ sort of  _ is. Like, you’re never going to see them again because you’re cutting ties. Like a breakup.”

“You get my humor, thank Christ for that,” Connor shook his head at him. 

He shrugged weakly, picking at his cast, which didn’t go unnoticed by Connor. “No one else has signed it still?” 

Evan bit his lip and shook his head. “It’s like I’m invisible. I— I hate it.”

“If you had to go through what I am, you’d want to  _ stay  _ that way,” Connor seemed to have finished his work, and put it away in a folder.

“A little— a-acknowledgement would be nice, though,” he stared at the large, singular name scrawled on the cast.

Connor raised an eyebrow. “But I thought you  _ hated  _ attention?”

“I thought you  _ loved it _ ,” CMS retorted, knowing he couldn’t really fight back.

“No— it’s not like that! It’s like—“ He let out a groan, threading his fingers through his hair. “It feels like if I just— vanished, right now, it wouldn’t affect  _ anyone _ . I wouldn’t leave an impact on… anyone, you know..? I’d just… fade away…”

“I mean, I’d notice,” Connor replied, “Who else would I walk with?” He offered a weak smile.

Evan laid his head on the desk. “We’ve only just started that, though. It’s not like— there’d be much to miss.”

Connor furrowed his brow at him, and removed one of the hair ties residing on his wrist. It was purple. Evan grabbed Evan’s right arm and maneuvered it onto his wrist.

He stared at it, baffled. He spared a glance at CMS for advice.

“I don’t fucking know,” he just shrugged. “I don’t get it either.”

Connor however seemed satisfied with this. “If you disappear, now I’ll have something to miss.”

Evan messed with it slightly. “But— it’s just a hair tie. You can always get a new one.”

“Not just  _ one  _ hair tie, though. You have to buy a whole pack and— look, you have something of mine I’m giving to you, just  _ don’t  _ look into it too much,” Connor waved him off, before looking at his cast again.

Instinctively, Evan covered it, not wanting Connor to stare at the horrid blankness aside from his name. 

“Hey, how about I draw on it?” Connor grabbed his pencil, raising an eyebrow. 

“Oh— but class is almost over, and—“ What Evan was  _ trying _ to say was that he didn’t want him to stop halfway through a drawing because class ended, but the bell rang through the classroom, and students flooded out.

Connor stood up, waiting for Evan to do the same. “I’ll do it during lunch, okay? If you want. Think about it.”

Evan nodded, feeling thankful for the establishment that he  _ still had a choice in the matter _ as he stood up, following Connor out of the room.

“You know, sometimes I wonder who saved me,” oh god, out of literally anything else Connor had to talk about, he chose to bring up  _ this _ ?

He managed a shrug, not really wanting to talk about this topic. He was still having nightmares over this whole ordeal, and just wanted to forget about that night.

“I can’t decide if I’d ever thank them,” he folded his arms. “It’s not like I  _ asked  _ to be saved.”

“Well— I’m glad they did. I wouldn’t have anyone to uh— walk with,” Evan whispered, making slight eye contact with Connor.

The latter hummed softly, “Suppose that’s as good as any reason. Least I got you.”

That felt reassuring for Evan to hear. Like he was someone Connor could go to, to seek out a distraction or just talk to.

When lunch came by, Connor had sketched out an idea he had for his cast. It was a winding nature path, the types Evan gave tours on before he broke his arm, while CMS was silent for once, watching his current self with an abundance of curiosity.

It was beautiful.

Evan wasn’t in the mood to eat that day, so he shared an earbud with Connor, listening to relaxing nature sounds, like waterfalls, birds chirping, leafs rustling, and so much more. If Connor minded, he didn’t voice this as he held his cast delicately, sketching into it, obviously being careful about shaking or bumping it.

“Wait. I thought you said you weren’t friends?” 

Evan looked up to see Zoe hovering at the opposing end of the table, wielding a confused look. If he was being honest, he  _ still  _ wasn’t ready to face her. He didn’t think he’d ever be, actually. 

“We aren’t,” Evan could feel his stomach drop at this, before hearing him continue, “Not in the weird,  _ best friend fantasy  _ mom was engrossed in. We’re just becoming friends.” 

Zoe glanced at Evan, like she was seeing if he was in distress, which he wasn’t, so she simply nodded. “I just didn’t expect anything like this…” she gestured to them, “to happen.”

“Um. Stranger things have happened,” Evan smiled weakly.

“No kidding,” Zoe ran her hand through her long, pretty blonde hair. “Well, just be careful, okay? Connor does dumb shit, so maybe you’ll keep him out of trouble.”

“ _ Zoe _ ,” Connor growled, gripping his cast a little tighter, and Evan did his best to hide the small surge of pain that shot through his arm. “Shut  _ up _ .”

“Whatever. Just be careful,” Zoe rolled her eyes and walked off.

He looked at Evan and let out a sigh. “Sorry about her. She’s been overbearing since… you know. Think mom asked her to watch out for me, make sure I’m not being picked on, which would’ve helped  _ before _ , but whatever, I don’t have to deal with it right now.”

“Oh, um, it’s fine. She’s just trying, I guess,” Evan shrugged weakly, watching Connor resume his sketching.

Earbuds were placed back into earlobes, and peace pacified whatever awkwardness tried to seep it’s way into their little bubble. He’d occasionally watch Connor trace soft lines into the plaster, but his phone kept vibrating, and he couldn’t help but check it.

**jared kleinmeme: dude wtf r u doing w/th the school shooter**

Evan let out a soft sigh. Of course, it was Jared.

_ even handjobs: we’re friends. I think at least _

**jared kleinmeme: ok lol u ded **

**jared kleinmeme: hey who do u think is his savior?**

“Kleinman should  _ really  _ learn how to mind his own business,” CMS growled, glaring at the phone. Evan shot him an apologetic look.

_ even handjobs: his “savior”? _

**jared kleinmeme: pls tell me you heard **

_ even handjobs: I have _

**jared kleinmeme: i bet it’s gay lmao i mean who’d want to save murph???**

**jared kleinmeme: his fam would probably pay them them millions tho**

Evan decided not to reply and resumed his playlist, trying to stop himself from shaking and attracting attention from the other just beside him. Plus, talking about the event alone would most _ definitely  _ result in nightmares. Not that they’ve stopped.

He would get through this, somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the next chapter doesn’t take too long to get out, because I’m very excited to see how you all feel about it. But I won’t say more.
> 
> Come see me on tumblr! @cravingcraze @originalcravingcraze


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This’ll end in disaster,” CMS informed Evan, who was traveling down the hallway to the computer lab. It was where he was meeting Connor. “You know that better than anyone else. You’ve seen it firsthand, but you still wanna go?”
> 
> “I don’t think I really have a choice,” he whispered, refusing to look at him.
> 
> The spirit snorted at this, “Really? No ones forcing you to go. I think you just feel obligated. Don’t. You don’t owe my family shit.”
> 
> “It’s not about them,” he could see the computer lab now, “It’s about you. What if they keep asking and pestering about me? I— if I can at least stop that, then I’m doing something right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of suicide attempt. 
> 
> This chapter is a ride, and I spent a good couple of hours finishing it off. I don’t have anything to say except I hope you enjoy!

Evan is having dinner with the Murphy’s, apparently.

Connor had run up to him in a rush just the next day, quickly talking about how Zoe let it slip that they were eating together and listening to lunch, like _ friends do _, which only seemed to spark Cynthia’s interest in Evan more. She was apparently looking forward to seeing him again if he could find the time, which he had an abundance of, unfortunately.

It was a messy rush, but he managed to tell his mom that Zoe and Connor were taking him to dinner, and that he’d be home around the time she was going to work, presumably.

“This’ll end in disaster,” CMS informed Evan, who was traveling down the hallway to the computer lab. It was where he was meeting Connor. “You know that better than anyone else. You’ve _ seen it _firsthand, but you still wanna go?”

“I don’t think I really have a choice,” he whispered, refusing to look at him.

The spirit snorted at this, “Really? No ones _ forcing you _ to go. I think you just feel obligated. Don’t. You don’t owe my family _ shit _.”

“It’s not about them,” he could see the computer lab now, “It’s about you. What if they keep asking and pestering about me? I— if I can at least stop that, then I’m doing _ something _right.”

CMS stared at the latter, maybe out of concern, before letting out a sigh. “Just… be careful. Never thought I’d have to live through another wreck of a dinner again…”

Evan couldn’t reply as he entered the lab, because Connor was sat in a chair, on his phone, waiting for him. He was wearing that purple hoodie from a few days ago, and appeared to be smiling. Did he… actually like the hoodie? Maybe he was reading too much into things. The black one he always wore was probably just dirty and needed to be cleaned. That was probably it. 

“Hey,” Connor pocketed his phone and rose from his car. “We’re going in Zoe’s car, she’s waiting in the parking lot.”

He was tempted to ask Connor if _ he _had a car, but the glaring daggers from CMS told him it would be a bad idea. “Okay, cool.”

“I’m sorry in advance for like— basically anything my family does to you. They’ll probably pester you with questions,” Connor led him out, fidgeting with his satchel strap. Evan spotted a few buttons on both sides of it, but couldn’t read what they said. How hadn’t he noticed those before? Were they new, or had they always been there? 

“I mean— I’ve dealt with them _ before _,” he let his gaze fall to his cast, where more of the forestry had been added and partly outlined with a thin sharpie. Connor apparently wanted to use markers, some fancy art brand he was unfamiliar with. He wondered if they’d do that when they got there. After all, neither seemed in a rush to get a head start on homework.

Connor looked at him warily, mirroring the look CMS gave him before. “Before they didn’t _want_ to start a fight. I can’t say the same now.”

Evan felt a chill roll through his spine at that mention. He remembers that fights between Mark and his mom were a common feat before they split apart. It’d be over the smallest of things, like how Heidi would insist they’d have to replace something while Mark remained adamant on the fact that he could fix it and make it _ better than ever _. The only trouble was that Mark was an office man, and could not repair anything for the life of him, so they couldn’t even return whatever had broken. And as angry and frustrated words radiated through the walls, Evan hid out in his room, trying to tune out the flow of hatred.

He took a moment to breathe and regather himself, “I’ll— I’ll be fine.”

“I hope you’re right,” Connor swung open the main door, letting a gust of warm air sweep past him in a flurry. “Slug bug!” He hit Evan’s arm, and pointed at Beatle. “That’s my sister’s car. C’mon.”

Avoiding the vehicles of other students, the duo made their way across the parking lot and to Zoe’s car, which was a beautiful baby blue. She appeared to be on her phone, texting someone. She was wearing her iconic jean jacket with a blue shirt, and jeans that probably had stars scribbled on the cuffs.

Connor went around to the passenger side, which Evan should’ve expected, it was a perfectly open seat up for grabs, and he was his sister, it was only fair. It wasn’t like he wanted Connor sitting with him in the back, but it was fine. He silently slid in, watching as Zoe set her phone inside the cup holder. 

She glanced back at Evan and smiled slightly, which brought back some fuzzy feelings that resided in his chest. “Hey Evan. Sorry about this whole mess.”

“Oh, it’s fine! I— wasn’t doing anything tonight,” he waved it off, despite this sort of throwing off his after school routine. Usually he had to wait ten minutes for a bus to arrive, and rode for twenty minutes, before having to talk roughly a seven minute walk home. He’d reapply deodorant and then work on homework for a good hour or two. If Heidi was home and awake, he’d eat with her, but if not, he’d skip, opting to nap and go straight to watching YouTube to de stress afterwards, varying from conspiracy theories that _ absolutely _freaked him out (yet were so addicting) to simple let’s plays or animal videos that appeared on his feed. Then he’d struggle to fall asleep due to his nap from before, laying in his bed, panicking about the lack of energy he’d have the next day, before exhausting himself around three in the morning, needing to wake at six thirty. Rinse and repeat at school, and there was his not so fine, handy dandy schedule.

“If you say so…” Zoe shrugged weakly, backing the car out. 

Connor turned back to look at Evan. “My mom’s gonna be busy making dinner, and dad won’t be home till around we start to eat, so we can hide out in my room for a few hours, alright?” 

He smiled weakly, mainly relieved at this new information. “Ah. That— that’s a r-relief.”

“It’s normal,” CMS added, looking at Evan. “but that doesn’t mean Cynthia won’t try to talk to you. She’s persistent.”

Evan silently took note of that. “So uh. Any idea what’s for dinner?”

“Probably some ketto shit she found online. Either that or something vegan,” Connor shrugged. “She’s always switching it up. She gets bored easily.”

“It's not very good, but she tries,” Zoe added, turning into a neighborhood.

It was the same, fancy looking, high fenced yards, and three stories up houses Evan had seen before, the only changing thing being the layout and colors, maybe the yards if he could spot the difference. The road was smoothed out, granting easy and comfortable access to and from the neighborhood. There weren’t any children out, and the only trace of people were dogs laying in the front yard, probably bored out of their minds. The whole place itself just… lacked joy and excitement. 

Zoe pulled into a long driveway, leading up to a white house with beautiful trimmed hedges, and a large oak tree that stood by it. Evan remembered how big it was, both on the inside and out.

“Welcome to Hell,” CMS said bitterly as Evan got out, staring ahead at the home. “I never wanted to come back here, you know?”

He couldn’t reply, trying to focus on what Connor was saying, something about how he could work on homework while he’d color the drawing he’d been working on for the last few days, but he just nodded along quietly, the tall walls of the house hitting him with nostalgia, marble tiles cooling his feet as he removed his boots, as he was reminded of how much he was intruding already, a sense that he shouldn’t even be there didn’t even feel foreign anymore.

At one point, Zoe had parted from them, probably to the kitchen or something, but Evan could only focus on the soft red carpeted stairs, running a steady hand upon the wooden rail as he made his way up, glancing up at portraits of the members of their family that seemed to be documented throughout the years.

He tried not to think about how those were one of the few things Connor had left behind. It made his heart for the family.

“Here’s my room,” Connor stopped at the end of the hallway, where the bedroom was just to the right of where he was standing. 

There wasn’t a door. All that remained on the frame was some nails, lifting a blanket that had the tied ends double knotted around the sharp tools. 

The spirit raised an eyebrow at this, “_ That’s _new.”

Evan could agree with that.

Connor tentatively lifted the blanket and walked in, holding it up for Evan, who followed suit. The rest of the room hadn’t seemed to change, the walls painted violet, while the carpet, while hidden away by clothes on the ground, was a red so light Evan almost mistook it for brown. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Connor moving things about so there wasn’t so much clutter. Yet, he just stood there, waiting for _ something, _almost like a sign to move along. 

“You can sit on the bed. I’m just grabbing my markers,” he glanced over at him, and patted the twin bed.

He slowly went over and took a seat on the edge, holding his bag in his lap, thinking about how he kissed Zoe on _ her dead brother’s bed _. Evan shook his head slightly, pushing that thought away as he took out his homework.

“You better not try to kiss _ me _next,” CMS muttered under his breath.

This caught Evan so off guard he had to pretend to cough so his flinch wouldn’t concern Connor, which the latter raised an eyebrow at him, and he returned an awkward smile back.

“You know about that?” He wrote as lightly as he could, watching the spirit look at the paper.

He nodded, crossing his arms. “I’ve been watching you ever since I died. Mainly out of boredom.”

Evan furrowed his brow, “But I couldn’t see you before,” he wrote.

“Maybe it’s because you finally had to let go of the illusion you made me. I don’t know,” he simply shrugged his shoulders.

He shrugged back, erasing the light marks on his paper.

“And for the record, I was joking,” CMS made a face. “Please don’t kiss me.”

Connor climbed onto the bed, and looked at his bag, “Oh, you don’t have to hold onto that. Let me?” He gently took a strap.

Evan nodded, handing the bag over. “Thanks.”

He nodded, smiling shyly, which was definitely an unworldly thing, he’d only seen Connor _ shy _in the computer lab, maneuvering the bag out of Evan’s lap and setting it down on the end of the bed, on the floor. “You can like, lay down. Since I’m gonna be stealing one of your arms,” he chuckled weakly.

He nodded slightly, moving to lay on his stomach, and starting to work on his homework. Evan could feel Connor carefully pull his casted arm away and into his reach, cradling it with one hand.

It amazed Evan how careful he always was with his arm, glancing back to see him pop the cap of a marker with his mouth and spit it out, beginning to rub the color onto the plain, boring cast. He tried not to stare, zoning into the words on his sheet of paper, struggling slightly without his other hand to steady the paper, but wouldn’t dare to ask for his arm back. 

They made small talk, Connor explaining how his parents thought taking away his door would help him “_ open up more” _, which he thought was bullshit, but the situation was far out of his control at this point. Evan mainly just listened, not wanting to talk. Connor seemed to have tons to say, which was relief to him. 

After a few hours, his cast clearly had a forest drawn and colored in the back of it, when Cynthia called them down for dinner.

“Fuck. It’s time,” Connor released his arm, which had fallen asleep, so Evan gave it a little shake. “I’d be ready for a fight, if I were you.”

Evan made a face, but nodded, standing up. He’d witnessed a fight break out before, so he sort of knew what to expect, although that didn’t mean it was _ pleasant _to watch. But maybe, just maybe, he’d get through it unscathed.

At the dinner table, Connor sat next to him, while Zoe was across, and Larry just had entered, removing his coat and heading to the table, sitting at one of the ends.

“It's good to see you, Evan,” Larry smiled at him, as Cynthia set out plates of spaghetti and cheese bread to everyone. 

He weakly smiled back, “Uh, you too, Mr. Murphy.”

“I hope this is okay,” Cynthia sat at the other end, looking just a little nervous. “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I just guessed.”

“Oh no, this is— it’s p-perfect,” he insisted, picking up his fork. If he went for blatant honesty, he would’ve said it looked bland and asked for more sauce, but he’s a people pleaser, so he didn’t.

Dinner was perfectly normal, at first, Connor’s parents asking Evan some questions as they ate, which he was fine with, it was to be expected, until Larry said something along the lines of, “You know, I thought Zoe was joking at first, when she said you made a _ friend _.”

It was supposed to be a joke, Evan could obviously tell, but Connor clearly didn’t see it that way. “What the fuck is _ that _supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on, Connor, we both know you have issues making new friends,” Larry shrugged, treating this like a general fact.

“Because everyone treats me like a _ freak _,” he spat, gripping the tablecloth. 

Larry frowned, “Connor, you are _ not _like that.”

“Really? The way you treated me before says otherwise! You didn’t care before, you don’t care now! It’s just an act!” Connor stood up. “You’re obsessed with this “_ perfect family image” _you have in your head!”

“Boys, _ please _stop—“ Cynthia’s pleads were left unheard by either of them.

Larry scoffed, “Oh that’s _ rich _, Connor.”

He shoved his chair away and slammed a fist onto the wooden table, jostling some of the plates and silverware around. “How many times did you _ get off your ass _to try and help me?!”

“Connor, Larry, please stop!” Cynthia begged. “You’re worrying Evan!”

Zoe made a face at her mom, “No offense, but our reputation isn’t the big deal here.”

She gasped, scowling at Zoe, “This isn’t about that _ at all _! Look at the poor dear, he’s gone pale in the face!”

CMS was shaking, from fear or anger Evan didn’t know, as his face was unreadable. “Get out,” the way he looked at Evan held the most panic he’d ever seen from the spirit. “You need to _ go, now _.”

Evan tried, he really did, but as he rose from his chair he only got a few steps away from the table before his legs gave way underneath him and he barely caught himself with his arms. He felt like he was spinning on a pottery wheel that was slowly gaining momentum, watching the world start to blur around him as he desperately tried to clutch hot kitchen tiles that were once freezing cold. At first, he couldn’t make anything out except for loud, violent screams of anger that chilled him to the core, but they suddenly formed a sentence. 

_ “You didn’t do _ _ anything _ _ when he threatened to kill himself!” _

For some reason, Evan recognized those words in a matter of seconds.

When he looked up, Connor was gone, but he knew what scene was playing out. It was just before he’d told them the truth about his letter, and the friendship he’d forged. 

But things were _ wrong _.

Evan was still on his knees, for one, and he couldn’t stand up. There was a strange pressure on his shoulders, holding him down in place, forcing him in place. However, his head felt too light, like he was a balloon with helium inside his head, guiding his head up to where he could see the arguing, incomplete family.

Everything was tinted to a greyscale, in a flat, ugly tone that almost seemed unreal. Even Cynthia, Larry, and Zoe shared this strange appearance that made them appear to be hollow shells, but when he managed to glance at his, it was a piercing candy red that broke horribly through his environment, like a blaring siren breaking through the peace and silence of the family, and after all, he’d set off this chain reaction, causing the fight which was breaking out— in front of him?— he wasn’t sure, time was funny. He couldn’t tell if he’d been there a few minutes or hours or even _ days _ because everything just felt fuzzy and blurry, and god, he really needed some guidance, but apparently CMS hadn’t gone back with him. Had he? He couldn’t _ remember _ for the life of him, which well, it felt like it did, because things were just _ not right _.

What made things worse, though, was that the fight refused to end. It kept circling around in a loop, going back to how Larry had said Connor’s threat to kill himself was just him “Seeking attention”, and how Cynthia let him do whatever he wanted, which just kept climbing up more and more in intensity, and Evan was partly sure he was supposed to break in with his confession, which never happened, so there was no resolve to the endless fight. 

Not only that, every time someone screamed or lashed out, the worldly briefly flashed in that bright yet dark red, engulfing the fire hot tiles and racing down the too short ceiling and all that hung from it, as Evan briefly hoped the chandelier on what looked to be a too thin of a string would come crashing down on top of him and _ end this nightmare _. 

But it didn’t. If anything, it just kept happening faster and faster.

Evan tried to beg whatever was making this happen to him to stop, but he couldn’t force the words out as his lips shaped the words “Stop, please, just stop” like a mantra. He could feel his entire being shaking as tears rolled down from his eyes, unable to wipe them from his cheeks or even curl his fingers into a fist. 

After one final red flash, at last Evan woke up, on the ground of the Murphy’s kitchen floor, Connor kneeling next to him as the rest of his family stood back, all seeming _ very _worried.

“What happened..?” Evan squinted, trying to push himself up, despite having jelly arms.

Connor helped pull him up, letting Evan wrap an arm around his shoulders to support himself. “You tried to leave dinner but… you fell down and… started, I don’t know, compulsing? Is that normal..?”

He didn’t want to freak him out anymore than he already had, so he just nodded.

“Jesus Christ, why didn’t you _ tell me _?” He glanced at him in shock, before shutting his eyes and shaking his head. “C’mon, we’re not eating down here anymore,” he stacked Evan’s plate on his own and carried it in his free hand, gently leading him away.

Larry stared at them. “You’re just _ leaving _?!”

“But what about dinner?” Cynthia tried to follow them up.

“Just _ stop _ !” Connor let go of Evan and spun around, glaring daggers at his family. “This was supposed to be about him, but you just _ had _ to pull me back into the equation! I _ tried _not to lash out!” He locked his gaze with Larry. “Can you all say the same?”

They didn’t get the expense to reply, because Connor was back as quickly as he left, pulling him into his room and setting various objects in the doorway so it was blocked off. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Connor sat next to Evan, who was trying to stomach the dry and hard noodles. He hadn’t even known that _ happened _, but if he did, and could explain it, he would, but he couldn’t, making things impossible to explain.

So, he lied, “I thought I’d be okay. Thought I— could h-handle it.”

“Evan, no offense, but that was _ stupid _,” he scowled. “Don’t second guess shit like that. Which, what even was that?” 

“Er, s-sorry… It’s uh— a product of my parent f-fighting when I was little,” once again, Evan is forced to lie.

Connor stared at his carpet in thought, before nodding. “That makes sense, I guess. Anyway when you’re done eating, I’m taking you home.”

“But you don’t have a car,” Evan frowned. 

The latter grabbed his wallet, moving things from his doorway. “I know. I’m stealing Zoe’s. Just finish eating, okay?”

“Okay,” he nodded, going back to his dry noodles.

The silence immediately put Evan off, because he was _ sure _ CMS had a nasty comment prepared for him regarding the whole dinner fiasco, but… nothing. If CMS was anything, it wasn’t silent. He was outspoken and bold, not to mention horribly frank with Evan, which well, he deserved all that the spirit threw at him. But the silent treatment? Was he really _ that _petty?

But when Evan looked up, CSM was gone.

At first, he thought it had to be a trick. CMS loved fucking with Evan’s head and would do so any chance he’d get, so it made sense at first. But the more he thought, the more he realized CMS _ hated _being alone, that was why he insisted on staying by Evan’s side. Something about him being his last tie to the original timeline. 

Evan’s eyes frantically traced around the room, hoping he’d find CMS just out of his line of sight, or maybe just had fallen behind from the incident. He shook slightly as his breath got more swallowed at the thought of being in this alone. He needed _ his Connor _, despite how awful he treated him. 

Connor poked his head in, frowning slightly. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just— wanna go h-home,” he hadn’t even finished his dinner, but that didn’t really matter anymore. He’d lost his appetite.

“Let’s go. Everyone’s hiding out in their rooms. Just— leave your plate on the bed, I’ll take care of it later,” Connor opened the door as quietly as he could.

Somehow, Evan doubted he would, knowing from his own experience with depression, but he managed to put on a smile and stood up. “Thank you.”

Connor drove differently than Zoe. He seemed more at ease behind the wheel, which Evan wished he could relate to, god, and happily hummed to the stations on the radio. Evan however, couldn’t really focus on maintaining a conversation and chose to stare out the window, thinking about CMS, if he was okay, and where the hell he could’ve gone to. Thankfully, GPS didn’t manage to screw up his address and they got there without a hitch.

“Evan. Can I see your phone for a sec?” Connor parked the car.

He felt too numb to ask questions, so he silently handed it over.

“If you need _ anything _, text me,” when it was handed it, there was a new contact, simply named “Connor M”. 

He smiled weakly at it, pocketing the phone. “Thanks, Connor.”

“I’m serious,” Connor warned. “You really freaked me out tonight.”

“I really am sorry,” Evan stepped out of the car, hand on the door.

“Don’t be. You’re not the one who caused a fight,” he sighed. “Just be careful.”

He nodded at him. “I will be. Promise.”

Connor seemed satisfied by this, “Good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Y-yeah, tomorrow,” it dawned on him that he’d have to go on with CMS. That didn’t sit well with him. Still, he shut the door and quickly went inside.

And unlike usual, the house felt a bit more empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. How’re ya’ll coping?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was gone for two days.
> 
> Evan isn’t sure if he was glad CMS was gone or not, because on one hand, it was nice not having someone constantly reminding him of his mistakes, teasing him about something minor he did, or just being yelled at, but on the other, CMS was like his crutch, in a way, helping him make sure he didn’t mess things up again, mainly with saying the right thing to Connor and avoiding a screw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Jesus it’s been a hot minute.
> 
> Sorry for the late update, I’ve started working again, and registering for college has been a pain.
> 
> Trigger warning- mentions of suicide attempt and suicide idealization.

He was gone for two days.

Evan isn’t sure if he was glad CMS was gone or not, because on one hand, it was nice not having someone constantly reminding him of his mistakes, teasing him about something minor he did, or just being yelled at, but on the other, CMS was like his crutch, in a way, helping him make sure he didn’t mess things up again, mainly with saying the right thing to Connor and avoiding a screw up.

It was hard without him, because more than ever Connor felt like a gamble, like all the cards were stacked against him and he could only stay quiet and try not to ruin the game. At least Connor didn’t text him, aside from checking the number once. He only really felt comfortable texting his mom and Jared (pathetic, right?) but even that was to an extent. 

If Connor noticed how silent he’d gotten, he didn’t mention it, mumbling another apology about his family and that he didn’t have to eat with them again. He was surprisingly catching up quite quickly in Human Bio, much faster than Evan had anticipated, but was still welcomed, as they could work on the same sheets together, at the same time, so he was looking forward to that. Then again, there was the fact that they’d probably have idle conversations, which he was dreading, either way. 

The drawing on Evan’s cast was completed the day after he’d gone to dinner, fully colored and shaded. Connor seemed a little satisfied with the final product, while Evan was in awe of what Connor had created. At least now he had an excuse to keep his cast, he already wanted to hold onto it before, mainly for sentimental value Connor wouldn’t understand, but now he could just say “Oh, I just like the drawing you did, and you worked so hard on it, too”, which was less creepy than his previous reason. 

However, he couldn’t help but feel a bang of sadness, and a frown settled on his face as he wondered what CMS would’ve had to say about that. Would he say something sarcastic, relate to it, or just straight up be an absolute dick for no reason whatsoever? 

“Do you not like it?” Connor’s voice made him jump, despite the shyness of his tone.

Evan frantically shook his head. “No— I do! It’s just— coming off soon, and like, it’s gonna be c-cut…”

He spent way too much time researching casts and how they came off. Somehow, he’d get it in his head that the doctor sawing it off would cut up his elbow and forearm, and he gently shook his arm at the thought, imaging the vivid image and pain. 

“Won’t you get to keep it? When I broke my foot, I did,” Connor turned his gaze to the cast.

He nodded his head slightly, looking up, “You broke your foot?”

“Fell down the stairs in fourth grade, some assholes were chasing me,” he waved it off. “Pretty sure you signed it. You were one of the few people who did.”

“O-oh,” Evan couldn’t help but beat himself up over forgetting this small memory. How could have he  _ forgotten  _ about it? Was signing Connor Murphy’s cast in fourth grade really irreverent to his dumb brain? Any memory of him he’d like to hold onto, as he didn’t have much to begin with. 

“Don’t worry, it was a minor fracture so it didn’t stay on long,” Connor had noticed his disturbance, it seemed, because his voice was low and calm, and just really relaxing for Evan to hear. 

“Huh, uh, mine is coming off next week, actually,” back in The Original Timeline, Evan always convinced Heidi that his arm wasn’t feeling fully healed, and despite her being a full time nurse, she let him be, as it saved a trip to the doctor. But still, even when it came off, his arm was always covered for what laid beneath.

Connor smiled at this, “You're gonna be free. Excited?”

Evan nodded, because lying was just easier. “Yup. Super excited.”

He’d gotten used to the silence, and knew he’d have to make bigger strides to keeping Connor safe. Evan couldn’t afford to go radio silent. He didn’t deserve that, he deserved a friend who could always be there for him to lean on, chat on the phone with, hell, even send text messages to, but as much as he wished he was these things, he knew he just… wasn’t. 

He didn’t dwell on this, though, as Heidi was actually home by the time he’d gotten home from school, and was making dinner. They unfortunately wouldn’t have time for a grocery run until Saturday, and their supplies were running low, so Mac and Cheese had to suffice for the time being. Then again, it spared Evan from her lecture about healthy eating habits, so he gratefully took it. They managed to spend a good hour together before she had to run off to class, and the rest of the night was sort of a blur.

When he was awoken by a loud thud, at first, he jumped out of bed, fearing the presence of an intruder. He’d never handle that situation well, probably would stutter too many times for their liking and end up getting shot, unable to warn his mom of the dangers that lurked in their house. Evan had to remind himself to take a deep breath and that if there  _ was  _ any danger, he’d be getting yelled at or pinned (well, according to the Lifetime movie he watched with Heidi), so he was safe. However, he still couldn’t contain the quiet gasp that escaped his lips.

It was CMS, who looked like he’d been thrown through the wall, but otherwise in general, was his same, usual self.

He snapped his head towards Evan and let out a puff of air. “What happened?”

Evan gawked at him. “What are you..-?”

“The dinner!” The ghost began to wander, pointing a finger at Evan. “We were  _ just  _ at dinner and— you were on the ground, and…”

Evan bit at his lip, “I saw your family arguing— but like, it was before I told them the truth and— w-way more intense…”

CMS narrowed his eyes, and looked down at his fists. “How long was I gone?”

“Two days,” he cracked his fingers subconsciously.

“Time was weird,” he looked at Evan. “ _ Everything  _ is weird now. We need to find out how.”

“So we’re just— going  _ after  _ the thing that made me have a— a flashback?” Evan scowled. 

CMS nodded, ignoring how disturbed Evan seemed to be. “We’re going to Ellis. It’s the easiest way to trigger a memory.”

“Wait— h-hold on, let’s think about this!” Of course, the situation was confusing in itself, but he’d rather not relive the dreaded fall.

“You got any better ideas?” At Evan’s headshake, CMS smirked. “So we’re in agreement. Good.”

Really, they weren’t, but Evan was wise not to argue with him. There wouldn’t be a point anyways, as the spirit’s mind was made up, and he’d rather not test him. As far as he was concerned, CMS was still fairly dangerous to him, and could do whatever he pleased, but he let him be at school, or at the very least didn’t bug him as much. 

He hoped his apparent dread wasn’t obvious, but Connor had noticed, asking, “Hey, you okay?”

“What? Oh yeah, y-yeah, I’m okay,” Evan looked up from his assignment, to Connor, and then back down at it. 

“Okay, cool,” Connor gazed at him. “Hey, Cynthia will be out at a class, and Larry’s working in his office. You wanna come over? I promise I’ll like, get you out before dinner.”

He shook his head slightly. “S-sorry, I’m uh, gonna be with my mom. She works a lot and… yeah…”

“Oh… Well uh, I get it. Have fun,” he punched Evan’s shoulder gently, before going back to work.

“Hmph. Would’ve thought I’d put up more of a fight,” CMS eyed himself with curiosity. “At least we won’t bug you with your visit.”

Evan just listened to the ghost, trying to get his mind off the subject. He attempted to drown himself with a clout of various vocabulary that swam through his head as the other students chattered away, making distinct conversations that didn’t register as words. He could feel a numbness corrupt and take over his mind, as he found himself unable to care about the judgement of others. Granted, this didn’t mean he didn’t get a spike of anxiety whenever he got a weird look, but the anticipation and dread was… faint and distant. And it followed him throughout the entire day.

Connor must’ve noticed this in class, because he’d actually sent him a text. Short, to the point, and maybe even genuine if he wanted to pretend he cared.

**Connor M: you okay? You seemed off in bio**

_ Evan H: Yeah, I was just thinking about stuff. _

**Connor M: you can talk to me, you know**

_ Evan H: I know. _

**Connor M: well I’m remind you **

_ Evan H: Okay. _

Maybe his replies seemed a bit heartless and cruel, but he just couldn’t deal with Connor, not in the mindset he was in, at least. He wanted to sound neutral, but a small part of him worried he was just being an asshole to make him leave him alone. Not to mention he was paranoid enough as it was, there wasn’t any need to add to reasons not to trust him, despite the fact he hadn’t even  _ earned it  _ yet. 

The rest of the day was a blur, mainly receiving texts from Jared, who was trying to convince Evan to cut ties with Connor, which he expressed who wasn’t as bad as everybody made him out to be, but Jared wasn’t having any of that, as he’d leave him on read whenever that was brought up. Connor still sent messages as well, but not as frequent, so that was nice as it felt like he had  _ breathing room for once  _ in his life.

Once the day had ended, Evan was sure to take his time walking to the bus stop, much to CMS’ disdain. The ride was long enough as it was, and if he set up a playlist to drown the spirit out with, well, who had to know? All that mattered was he got on in time and downright ignored him for reasons he thought were perfectly reasonable. He was practically going to guarantee his own safety at this rate.

Ellison was just like Evan remembered; big and beautiful, just outside the rich neighborhood to have some more than decent fencing and care for the trees and shrubs that grew there. A sidewalk divided the park into two sides, curling around the inside of it, with clean, pristine benches for leisure. If Evan strains his eyesight, he can see the worker’s cabin the park rangers took breaks in, either to get out of the sun, a quick bathroom break, or just stopping to eat lunch, but he forces himself to turn to the more covered area of the park, the nature trails he always lead groups on, where his tree was.

A pair of combat boots clambered down the stairs as he stepped off of the bus, and when he turned around, he froze in place. 

“So, “hanging out with your mom”,  _ huh _ ?” 

“What the fuck..?” CMS whispered, staring at him.

“Connor— what’re you doing here?” Evan plucked an earbud out, twirling the cord around his finger.

Connor clenched his jaw, approaching Evan. “Zoe had Jazz Band practice, so I took the bus home.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but he couldn’t find anything to say, and shut it.

“What  _ I  _ want to know is what  _ you’re  _ doing here,” he jabbed at his chest, making Evan stumble back. “You fucking lied to me. Am I  _ that awful  _ to be around?”

“No! No please— it isn’t like that!” Evan attempted to reassure him, but it clearly didn’t, not from how his brow furrowed. 

Connor laughed bitterly, “Then what  _ is _ it? Or are you not going to tell me?”

Evan looked back to the forest, and then at Connor. He could make it, probably without being tackled at best, too. Then again, a chase would probably provoke more anger and an even worse confrontation than in that moment, but maybe he could lose him. 

“I’m sorry,” is all he says, before he does only what he knows best, and starts to run.

He isn’t sure what he expected, maybe that he’d be a bit faster than Connor, but once he cries out Evan’s name he’s  _ speeding  _ after him with godlike strides, and Evan realizes he should ditch the cemented path all together and make a beeline for the forest. The only way he could stay ahead was partly from the fact he each branch scraped his body barely bother him, as adrenaline quickly pumped it’s way throughout his veins, and he fought through every stumble and uneven terrain that most definitely set Connor off, as he’d gotten a fair amount of distance between them.

“That was  _ really  _ fucking stupid,” CMS seemed to follow with ease, looking back at himself. “You’d better have a plan.”

Evan’s tree stood out taller than the rest, and he begged himself to run faster, despite the burn of his legs, and maybe that he couldn’t exactly breathe, but if he took it out and used his inhaler, that small interval would be long enough for Connor to find him again, so he kept going and going until he reached the oak of it.

By the time he’d gotten there, he was gasping for air, fumbling for his inhaler and quickly putting it to good use, feeling the frantic thumping of his art, start to derail into a more slow, normal rate, as CMS touched the bark of the tree gently (or, so it looked).

“Did it hurt?” He asked, even though he knew Evan couldn’t exactly talk, and probably wouldn’t for a good few minutes. “And what hurt  _ more _ ?” His finger followed the trail of a branch, flicking a few leaves. “The fall itself or the impact?”

It’s dumb to have to  _ think about  _ this incident in the first place, but he fully realizes that’s CMS’ point. Evan sat himself under the tree, seeking shade and a place to rest his aching legs.

“Was it fast or slow?” The ghost turned to him. “It would’ve been a fast death, you know. I don’t know that kind, I had to wait for  _ so long _ , and I’m still  _ stuck _ .”

Evan’s eye fell onto his cast, and he flicked the damn thing, hoping for a slight tinge of pain. It never came.

“Haven’t you ever thought of climbing higher? Maybe nosedive this time,” he tapped the center of his head. “That’d be hard to fuck up.”

He bit his lip, cradling the top of his head. It didn’t sound like a… pleasant way to go. Not to mention it sounded unrealistic. 

“And you laid here and just  _ waited _ . Do you know how long you waited?” CMS stared him in the eye. “ _ Why  _ did you wait? Your mom was at work, and Jared was at summer camp,” he let out a scoff. “Did you think you made any  _ actual  _ connections with your thirty-plus year old co-workers?”

Evan couldn’t maintain the gaze, so he stared up at the raised branches, while his vision began to blur, but he couldn’t tell if it was his tears or not. 

“You were so convinced you’d be saved, but you just set yourself up for failure. You set the bar too high, and even if you grabbed it, you let go,” the spirit watched as Evan began to shake, letting his arms fall from his face. 

He was about to continue on, but Connor screamed Evan’s name, who lacked a reaction. Normally, he would’ve jumped out of his skin in surprise, but it barely registered, as his world was spinning, and all he could do was mutter, “I’m sorry” over and over like a mantra, but to who he didn’t know. Maybe to Connor, maybe to the spirit that watched over him, perhaps even to his own mom for the horrid hospital bills that came after his incident, or possibly to  _ himself _ . He wasn’t sure why he was saying it either, but all he knew was that he owed it. 

Evan finds himself suddenly standing on the tip of his tree, that jarring, bright red is back, leaking through the branches of oak silhouettes. Weirdly enough, he doesn’t remember climbing it, all he knew was that not too long ago he was sat at the bottom, and now he was high up. Part of him wanted to grab onto the side of the tree, but his arms felt full with lead, and he couldn’t stop staring down at where the ground should be. The fact that he couldn’t see the bottom should’ve worried him, but it didn’t. 

Then, he was falling backwards, staring up at the dreary red sky above him. He didn’t scream, and he wasn’t sure if he could, but everytime a part of his body hit the tree or branch, his vision exploded with red, and he could feel a throbbing in his left forearm. Evan was falling slowly for whatever reason, but he swore whenever he left an impact, he was falling faster and the sky only became more distorted. It felt like he couldn’t breathe all over again, but where his inhaler was supposed to reside, was missing. Then again, it wasn’t like he could lift his arms to begin. Still, the inhaler felt like an anchor, and it was deeply disturbing to be without it. Evan couldn’t stop thinking about the stupid thing, and didn’t even realize his head was hit by a particularly large branch.

And he was back at the bottom of the tree, with Connor looking down at him with a mixture of anger and worry. 

“Jesus fucking christ, what the hell is going on?” Connor held his arm out, and huh, okay, that’s where his inhaler went. Evan weakly took it, staying quiet. 

“Is what you said even real? Was that a  _ “product of your parents fighting _ ”? Was anything you said  _ real _ ?!” Connor glared at him. 

Evan bit down on his lip, gripping his arm gently. “I— of course it’s true. I just…” he looked down, forcing himself to lie. “I thought I could handle coming back here…”

Connor furrowed his brow, and looked up at the tree. “Is this where..?”

He nodded numbly, wiping at his eyes. He refused to cry in front of Connor, he needed to stay strong for him.

The latter let out a sigh, “C’mon, let’s take you home.”

Connor paid for the trip back and got them a fairly decent seat, with him sitting on the inside and Evan on the outside. As they thought, CMS was gone again, which was just  _ perfect _ , and Evan probably wouldn’t send Connor any texts while he was gone, which would probably just make things worse, honestly, but it wasn’t like he had the courage to strike up a conversation. Evan was…  _ Evan,  _ for fuck’s sake, he was cowardly, nervous, and pretty selfish in his own mind. There was no chance in  _ hell  _ he'd try to make a move like that.

“So, what  _ actually  _ happened?” Connor whispered, turning to him.

He looked up at Connor with a frown. “What? What I said was true.”

“Bull,” he glared. “There’s more to these attacks than just… parent issues!”

“It is true! Just what I said was… putting it lightly, you know?” Evan bit his lip and looked away.

Connor paled at him, “...  _ Oh _ . Jesus, I’m… I’m sorry, I just…”

He let out a sigh, “It’s okay, I mean, I did lie to you.”

“I just— it freaked me out,” he explained, gripping his jeans, “But… next time you wanna go running off on your own… Let me come? For moral support, at least?”

Evan supposes that’s the best he can promise, if he ever has to go back. CMS can suck it up. “Okay. I can… I can do that.”

“Thank you,” Connor whispered, watching the bus slowly stop on Evan’s street. “This your stop?”

He nodded, “I— gotta go.” He said weakly, standing with his bag in hand.

“Text me,” he stated, watching the bus doors close behind Evan, who knew he owed him that much, at least.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Evan thinks about the other timeline. He can’t help but think about all the pain he caused, the drama that transpired, and the web of lies he created.
> 
> But his mom comes to mind first.

Sometimes Evan thinks about the other timeline. He can’t help but think about all the pain he caused, the drama that transpired, and the web of lies he created.

But his mom comes to mind first.

Evan can remember crying in his mother’s arms after the letter was posted, after everything crashed and burned. She read the letter on Facebook, and found out everything. Everything he tried so hard to hide from her came spilling out, and he was more exposed than he’d ever been in his entire life. He lost his chance to be willingly open with her, and even if Heidi didn’t say it, it still damaged their relationship. 

Evan wouldn’t let it happen again. 

He forced himself out of bed early so he wouldn’t miss seeing his mom before she ran off to the store. Evan wanted to help with the groceries, maybe to ease the guilt in his chest, or just to do something for his mom and not be completely useless for once. Deep down, though, he knew he was building up a good day for them both so he could talk to her about what was going on, and actually start to feel better.

Heidi was surprised to see him up so early, but she was happy as well, chatting away about how both of their lives had gotten so busy all of a sudden, and that spending time at the store together would be a perfect refresher. She was even more enthusiastic when Evan agreed without much argument and more so joy, as she made a list of the things they’d need for the next week. 

“I don’t get it. You used to hate errands when you were little,” Heidi laughed, glancing at Evan when they were stopped at a red light.

Evan shrugged weakly, smiling at her. “I was a little kid, mom. I didn’t know about responsibilities.”

“Honestly, the only thing that would appease you was A La Mode. That old ice cream parlor out in the country? I wonder if it’s still open,” she shook her head. “Well, it’s not like you’re throwing tantrums now, plus gas money is a little tight.”

“All I have to do is start screaming and kicking?” He joked.

Heidi made a face, “Please don’t. I don’t think I could handle another meltdown,” she giggled, pulling into a local Walmart.

Evan ignored the irony of what she said, focusing on their first stop. Heidi navigated the aisles with ease as he dragged behind, trying not to bump into any middle aged ladies or men, or even children or the elderly for that matter. Avoiding everyone but his mom was his real game plan, listening to her drone on about the different carbs she needed for her diet or just whether or not a loaf of bread would be cheaper somewhere else. Still, he chose not to complain and just thought about everything that had happened throughout the two weeks he was there. Nothing really had changed, he only saved Connor, yet somehow managed to put a dent in an already fragile relationship. He remembered what he promised and slipped out his phone, making sure Heidi wasn’t about to walk off.

_ Evan H: I’m really sorry about yesterday. Can we try to go back to normal? _

No reply. Maybe it would’ve worried him if it wasn’t eight in the morning. 

“Evan, c’mon! I need help checking out,” Heidi’s voice made him shove his phone into his pocket, and he ran off to help load their items onto a conveyor belt.

He liked helping out his mom. He really did, but a trip to CVS made his stomach crawl, a cruel reminder he wasn’t normal, and that last dosage of anxiety meds would probably be changing the next time he needed a refill. Part of him wanted to take a step back and do it later, but he didn’t toy with that thought and pushed it deep down to ignore. This was important to talk about, and he’d actually  _ take  _ the chance he was given. At least the receptionist wasn’t chatty, as she seemed way too tired to be working there to begin with, so that sort of helped him. What didn’t, however, was seeing the long receipt emerge from the cashier’s printer, and he tried to assure himself it was all just coupons, even though he knew how horribly expensive his meds were to begin with. Just how much could be added to that hurt to think about.

When he was on his way back home, he was surprised to see Connor actually responded to his message. He scrambled to open it. 

**Connor M: we can try. Thanks for apologizing**

**Connor M: I’m up early cause my mom doesn’t let me sleep in past 10**

_ Evan H: Can’t relate. My mom is super busy so she usually lets me be. _

**Connor M: damn you lucky **

**Connor M: about the sleeping in thing, I’m like always tired**

_ Evan H: Oh I’m still tired too. I just take naps. _

**Connor M: naps are where it’s at, Ev**

**Connor M: mine are short, like power naps**

_ Evan H: Oh well mine last four a good two to three hours.  _

Underestimate. He took long naps, but ranging from four to seven hours at a time, which resulted in some sleepless nights. Then again, it did offer extra time to watch conspiracy videos.

**Connor M: ah, I have those occasionally. Super nice**

**Connor M: I gotta eat breakfast brb**

“Evan, can you help me with groceries?” Heidi parked the car.

He nodded, undoing his seatbelt and helping her carry in as many bags as possible, despite the aching protest in his arms. He even helped put them away in the fridge, freezer, anywhere really, and while the fridge wasn’t full, it was better than it was before. Another cruel reminder of how telling her would affect their day to day life. Evan once again fought to think about it, knowing that it’d happen all too fast, and sure, he could stay quiet, but the fact was he  _ didn’t _ . He needed to talk about it, to let everything out to someone, and he didn’t want her hearing it from Doctor Sherman or a Facebook post, he wanted her to  _ hear it  _ from him. Maybe it was because something so personal was ripped away from him before, or that he just wanted to close the distance between them, but it was just so important for her to know. 

Evan sat at the couch, watching Heidi putting away the remaining food items, humming softly to herself. She looked at Evan and frowned, “Is something wrong, sweetie?”

“No. Just… can we talk about something…?” This was it. He wouldn’t let himself back down this time.

“What is it?” Heidi asked patiently, sitting down next to him. She took his hand and held it tightly. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

He nodded, looking down at his arm. “You remember when I broke my arm? And I had to wait an hour for you to get off work?”

Heidi hummed, “I couldn’t get off early. What’s this about?”

Evan swallowed harshly, feeling his Adam’s Apple shake. “I… I didn’t fall, I…”

“Honey…” she didn’t need to hear the rest, but he wasn’t done just yet.

“I just— I was  _ stuck _ — I was just so alone, and I didn’t think that anyone would notice or care—“ Evan was cut off by his own sob, bowing his head down so she wouldn’t have to see him. 

Heidi gently took Evan’s hand in her own, and pulled him close. “Evan… I’m so sorry…”

“I— I was scared you’d l-leave me…” he whimpered, shutting his eyes tight. “Just like everyone else…” he whispered. 

“Oh baby, no. Evan, come here,” Heidi tucked him under her arm, holding him impossibly close. “I would  _ never  _ do that. I mean, I know I’m busy, but I’ll still find time for you.”

“ ‘s not your fault… You— you have to pay for so  _ much _ , and I never give back—“ Evan leaned into her, hiding his face in her side. 

“I’m your mother, you should never have to feel that way,” Heidi argued, rubbing Evan’s back. “Do you remember when Mark left? You didn’t understand what was even happening until he drove off, and I could see so much  _ pain  _ in your eyes and I knew that when he left in that Uhaul truck, he left with pieces of both of us.”

He didn’t interrupt, needing to hear her voice.

“But Evan, I will  _ never  _ put you through what your father did. I love you so much, and I will  _ stay  _ because I want to,” Heidi grabbed Evan’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “I love you, Evan.”

Hearing it a second time still broke him. Evan began to sob harder, and he threw his arms around her, never wanting to leave his mother’s arms.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered to him, and began rubbing circles in his back.

And for probably the first time since this entire mess, Evan felt okay, even if it was for one moment.

**Author's Note:**

> And there’s that! I’m seriously hoping that people are as excited for this as I am. I’ve been planning this since fall!
> 
> I doubt this is gonna get a lot of attention, but that’s fine. That’s what usually happens and I’m used to it.
> 
> For anyone that is reading, what’d you thinking about CMS? I get the feeling there’s gonna be a lot of love/hate.
> 
> Thank you again for reading! I’m not sure when I’ll update, but I’ll try to make it soon!


End file.
